Randomos Part 1 – My Autobiography & Popcorn

I can smell pop corn. I’m going home from work, and there’s no one next to me eating any, and the last time I had popcorn was like 1976. Well more like 2007 maybe. I like to exaggerate, but not when it makes me come across as older than I am.

How come I’ve never seen the Pakistani Womens cricket team play? I wonder what sort of uniforms they wear. Do you think they bukal (sp?) their dupattas?

Ice Age 3 is out. I can’t wait to watch it I loved the last two movies. If anyone is going, don’t forget to invite me.

This summer has been such a waste. I’ve been off from college for a whole month now, and I haven’t done anything. I had thought I’ll start working out regularly, but I’m still a long way off from regular. I want to make sure I’m so fit that I can eat as much food as I want more than 3 days in a row, without people asking me on the fourth day when the baby is due. Plus, I want to build some stamina in myself. Right now, I jog 500 metres and pant for the next 600 metres. But I’m still going to do it. I don’t know how people let themselves go. I love food more than anyone I know, and there’s no such thing as marginal utility in my dictionary. More often than not, I eat way more than is enough for my size, but I make sure I make up for it in some way or other. No offense to the fatties*, but I’m never putting on weight.

*Considering the way I talk, I wonder why I never got beaten up when I was younger. It must have been the Pakistani attitude.

Someone called me a rounded person the other day. I wonder what they meant.

Doesn’t bulimia sound very convenient? Eat as much as you want, without ever putting on weight. Although it does probably leave a bad
taste in your mouth.

We laughed so much at dinner Saturday night. It will be a long long time before I will be able to speak to Noori again, without thinking Banoo Mein Teri Dulhan and Chutney aka Ketchup.

Why do people think its cute to post pictures of their babies’ limbs on facebook? I mean the only reason I’ve been gushing over those baby feet is because I’m baby crazy, but surely no one else finds them as interesting?

I remember the last concert we went to, one of the bands were singing Pehli Nazar Mein by Atif Aslam. A repeated line in that song is Baby I love you. At this show, the guy would go ‘Babay I love you’ full of passion, and everytime, they would show a real baby on the LCD displays. So funny.

I love the new Atif Aslam track from the second episode of Coke Studio.

I was watching one of mummy’s Indian dramas yesterday as I waited for something and there was a scene where two of the main characters have just been in a fight (they’re married, duh). The whole khandaan starts
playing a game (does this happen in real life too? I know my family would die of embarrassment before they play a game like the one I will describe now) where each person writes down three things they lurve about their spouse, and then let’s the spouse read them out loud. When the girl opens hers, she sees that the guy has left the page blank:( This is why you shouldn’t get married.

I think I’m on the verge of one of my bad/sad moods.

There’s this silly girl in my bus who keeps competing with me for my favorite seat. Its my favorite because I get to sit all alone and it has a huge window. Everytime she gets the seat before me, she goes to sleep. Why does she even need a big window?

I love it when people address me by my name – both my first name and family name. One of my colleagues calls me Gulzad, and I like it so much, its the only time I don’t think he’s gay.

I <3 jelly beans.

I’ve decided what my autobiography will be called: ‘Seriously, What The Fuck: An Inspirational Journey Of The Soul’. Don’t forget to grab your copy!

Its weird how you expect more out of a Camera, than you put in

This is what my sister tells me everytime I try to explain to her that its not me, only my picture that’s come out ugly. Yeah, I love her too.

So whether or not she’s right, fact is, more than 90% of my pictures come out butt ugly, which is all the ones where I know someone is taking a picture. This is why I’m either behind the camera, or holding my hand to my face in most of my pictures. To further this claim, let me give you two examples – my pictures on facebook are all untagged as soon as they are tagged by my friends (I have less than a fifth of my pictures left tagged) and I took over 1100 pictures in Afghanistan last year, I think I’m in five of them.

See if it was just admitting I’m not a looker, I would be more than happy to do it. I know I’m not. I just think I look very unlike myself in my pictures. The humaira I see in the mirror is not the humaira I see in my pictures. I remember one of my friends once told me that the image you see in the mirror can never look exactly like you, because of the way light bends and reflection and refraction and all that. The same with photographs. So which one of me is me then? Am I even touching the real thing with my hands? Do I still have only one nose? Oh God.

After we came back from our trip to Oman a couple of months ago, I saw that my sister had taken pictures of me where I thought I looked like me. I finally changed my profile picture on facebook and I got two comments. One loser called me a poser, which I most definitely am not. The second friend said ‘Wow this is such a pretty picture. You look so unlike yourself’.

Fml.

Urooj and Paaro

Har urooj ko zawal hai.

I read this phrase somewhere a long time ago, and I love it. It sounds so Pakistani.

I remember when we were younger (I never thought I’d use this phrase – anyway I said younger, not young ok), we had this friend who was called Urooj, and my sister used to like her name so much, she decided she wanted to change her name to Urooj Gulzad. Actually I think she even came up with a new surname. Obviously, Abu shot down her idea before she even got to the last name.

My elder sister has always been the one in our family who tried different things with names. She’s the one who started calling Fathima my baby sister Guria (I call her rani), and I know she’s always wanted a name like that for herself.

I remember there was this one time when someone I knew was determined to find out what I was called when I was a fat baby. Of course I wouldn’t tell. When they asked Sobia, fortunately, she didn’t tell the truth. Later she told me,

S: Humaira I said we used to call you Paaro when you were little.
H: Umm why?
S: You should thank God I didn’t say honey bunny (yuck) Paaro is such a cute name. I’ve always wanted someone to call me that. Didn’t work for me, atleast this way one of us will be called Paaro.

And I couldn’t stop laughing everytime I was called Paaro after that. So funny.

Finally, My Life has a Purpose

3rd July 2009 .

This is definitely going on my list of v.v.important dates.

Let me start from the beginning. My younger sister Aisha performed to the title track of Aaja Nachle at her college talent competition, and even though we couldn’t go, we have her performance on a very grainy video (where most of the focus is on her bollywoodically challenged friend). Still. I have this video both at work and home, and I love watching it. Of all the people that I personally know in the whole world, my sister Aisha is the best dancer :)

I was driving home with my elder sister on Friday, and as is usual, when this song started playing, I got all excited. This is the exact conversation we had:

H: I love Aisha’s video she’s so good.
S: Yeah she is a very good dancer.
H: I’ve decided this is one of the songs we’ll dance to at your wedding. I’ll ask Aisha to teach me.

Now I’m going to pause the conversation here for a second. What would your response be if your kind and loving younger sister told you that she would be willing to ignore the very high probability of her embarrassing herself in front of God knows how many people and work extremely hard, so she could celebrate your happiness? Normally hugs, tears and chocolate.

Yes, not in Sobia’s world.

Let me continue the conversation:

H: I’ve decided this is one of the songs we’ll dance to at your wedding. I’ll ask Aisha to teach me.
S: Humaira, even God can’t teach you to dance.

Just wait and watch Sobia. Be prepared to eat your words.

And the clock is ticking* Sobia.

*Not just our biological clocks, I mean you don’t have much time left to comment on that other post, before I block you.

For Or In Favor Of?

The word ‘Hubby’ is gay.

Discuss.

P.s. I know For and In-favor-of mean the same. Thats a hint for you to not go against my statement.

P.p.s. Sobia – This is your last chance to comment. I am blocking you from my blog after this.

We’re All Special

One of the staircases in my office is very awkwardly positioned. If you’re coming from where I sit, you can’t see if anyone is using the stairs – you take a u-turn and then immediately take your first step. Which means I bump into people all day.

Day before yesterday, as usual, I was rushing somewhere, and as soon as I took my u-turn, I came face to face (literally!) with this guy. I was startled, but quickly recovered. He just stood there, and two seconds later let out this sound, like I had just startled him. I started laughing at his face (he still hadn’t moved) and just couldn’t stop. He left then, but I stood there and laughed some more. For two reasons – one, his delayed response, and second because I remembered the funniest thing that has ever happened to me.

It happened when I used to work in Jebel Ali in 2005. Honestly, I was laughing for days and days.

Now, I was thinking of documenting it here, but I just realised I give away all my funny stories on my blog. I don’t have any left for when I actually meet someone! So I’m going to withhold this gem, to share face-to-face. With you. See, told you your life had a purpose.

And I just realised this was the most pointless post ever. All I gave away was the deformity in my office staircase. But now I’ve typed all this, and its not like I’m just going to delete it. Shame on you that’s so selfish!

So after this, I was in a really good mood for the rest of the day. When I got home, I told my mother I was in such a good mood, I felt like singing out loud.

She said “Choro”.

Now you know where I get it from.

Tandoori Nights

Kya din agaye hain? (What has the world come to?) – Mummy

How can they call a song Tandoori Nights? They’re playing it on the radio as I type, and I don’t understand why anyone would listen to songs like these. And Himesh Reshammiya just makes it worse. Ugh.

The song from Billu Barber – there’s one part where he’s listing how she’s such an angel blah blah, and he says ‘Woh jab nakhun kutarti hai…’. That translates to ‘When she’s cutting her nails’. Seriously? How is that cute/hot in any country/planet/century?

And the worst ever – Zara Zara Touch Me? So cheap. I’m usually all for cheap (my middle name, have I mentioned?) but this is just ridiculous. Of course it doesn’t help that my friends have started singing it every time we meet. With actions! I’ve threatened to break all ties with them, as I sit there muttering haram, but it hasn’t helped yet. Wait till I do it for real, then they’ll know I’m not all talk. Ha!

Their loss.

Right?

Damnit.

Kids: Yes, Marriage: No

I was speaking to one of my colleagues, and she asked me the same question – I come from a big family and have grown up with many siblings around me – how many kids did I want myself? I told her between 4 and 6. She said ‘Oh’. It was so funny the way she said it – like I was talking about contracting a disease or something.

I know so many people who dont/wont have more than 2 kids. I think most Pakistanis don’t understand their logic, and are the proud supporters (and cause) of the Population Explosion. My mother says “Jitne bache hote hain, ma baap ke utne hi ghar hote hain” which kind of means I’m going to be rich once I’m 75.

Coming back to my story, my colleague then asked me when I wanted to get married. I told here I didn’t want to. She went ballistic with laughter. After she had regained her ability to talk, she told me, “humaira, I don’t know how much your parents have told you, but if you want, I could explain the process to you. There is more to the bees and birds story, you know.”

I politely declined.

(Yes, this is the same colleague)

100 things

First of all, its not even a hundred questions. Im not mourning the missing questions, but the numbers not being in order are annoying me. Anyhoo,

1. Real Name: Humaira Gulzad

2. Like it? Duh

4. Zodiac Sign: Capricorn

5. Male or Female: Female

6. Elementary: Ok

7. Middle: Yeah

8. High: Thanks

9. College: Tomorrow

10. Hair Color: Brown

11. Eye Color: Dark brown

12. Hair Length: Why?

13. Current Worry: Will we get a visa?

14. Race: Maybe tomorrow. I’m tired now

15. Are you a health freak? No

16. Height: No

17. Do you have a crush on someone? No. Because what Shoaib Malik and I have is true love

18. Do you like yourself? At times

19. Piercings: Only on my ears, Alhamdulillah

20. Tattoos: None

21. Righty or lefty: Right

FIRSTS

22. First surgery: 2005

23. First piercing: My ears

24. First friend: Can’t remember

25. First award: I got one for coming first in Kindergarten

26. First sport: Can’t remember. Maybe pittu.

27. First pet: Usman

28. First vacation: Pakistan

29. First teacher: Mrs. Zarina

30. First crush: Bobby Deol, I think

THIS OR THAT

31. Orange or Apple juice: Neither

32. Rock or Rap: Neither

33. Country or screamo: Neither

34. Nsync or Backsteet Boys: Backstreet Boys (like 15 years ago)

35. Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera: Now, neither

36. Night or Day: Why?

37. Sun or Moon: ~wtf~

38. Tv or Internet: Internet

39. Playstation or Xbox: Ok

40. Kiss or Hug: Yeah

41. Iguana or Turtle: So I will finally have to choose

42. Spider or Bee: Your mother

43. Fall or Spring: Spring, but we don’t have much of it in Dubai

44. Limewire or iTunes: iTunes

46. Soccer or Baseball: Thanks

CURRENTLY

50. Drinking: No

51. I’m about to: leave

53. Singing: Right this second, nothing

54. Typing: Duh

FUTURE

55. Want kids? Yes

56. When? Now sounds good

57. Want to get married? No

58. When? Read 57

59. Where do you want to live? There

60. How many kids do you want? Any number between 4 and 6 sounds good.

61. Any name on the mind? All confirmed

62. What did you want to be when you were little? Happy

63. What did you think you’ll be doing? I wasn’t smart enough to think along these lines

64. Mellow future or Wild: Duh

66. Something you would never try? Too many to list. Of the halal things, Sushi.

67. When do you want to die? ~wtf~

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX

68. Lips or Eyes: Ok

69. Hugging or kissing: Yeah

70. Shorter or taller: Taller, duh. A guy shorter than me would be a joke

71. Tan skinned or Light: Thanks

72. Romantic or spontaneous: Can we stop now?

73. Dark or Light hair: Tomorrow

74. Muscular or Normal: Is muscular abnormal then?

75. Hook-up or Relationships: Your mother

76. Similar to you or different: Are we talking about orientation here?

HAVE YOU EVER

78. Kissed a stranger? Baby, yes

79. Drank bubbles? Huh?

80. Broken a bone? No, alhamdulillah

81. Climbed up a tree? Yes

82. Broken someone’s heart? I’m not that hot

83. Turned someone down? Yes

84. Had your heart broken? Thanks

85. Liked a friend as more than a friend? What is it to you?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

86. Yourself? Yes

87. Miracles? Yes

88. Love at first sight? No

89. Santa Claus? No

90. Kiss on first date: How is that a ‘do you believe in’ question?

91. Angels? Yes

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY

92. Is there one or more people you want to be with right now? Does my bed count?

93. Who is it? It’s a secret (read 92, duh)

94. Like someone? Yes

LASTS

95. Text message: An invite to a hot desi night at some club. I’m so excited! (Pause) Not!

96. Received call: Yesterday, from one of my best friends

97. Call made: Can’t remember

98. Facebook message: Someone telling me I’m so MIA it’s not even funny and I should consider deactivating my account

99. Missed call: Can’t remember

100. Last hungout with: Is hungout a word?

Let me go!

Let you go

I want to get off the phone now because I hate talking to you, but I’ll pretend that I’m being polite by letting you go back to whatever boring crap you would be doing if you weren’t talking to me.

Them: So then he said it was benign but I should probably get it removed. And I said-

You: Wow! That’s nuts! Hey look, I’m sure you’ve got a lot of stuff to take care of. I’m gonna let you go. Bye.

Them: Oh, uh, yeah. Bye.
.

How do you know when exactly to stop? I always end up being rude, or being offended if the other person is rude. The fact that I despise talking on the phone obviously doesn’t help. You know what would be perfect? If you couldn’t use your phone for making calls. Only texts is more than enough. Excuse me while I go share my wisdom with Etisalat. Don’t worry I’ll be back soon with more wisdom for you guys.