Favourite Mummy Quote

Humaira: Hi Rani
Rani: Hi Humaira
Humaira: Tell ma I’ll be late coming home
Rani: Ok
Humaira: I’ve been at the same traffic light for over an hour now
Rani: Mummy is like “Ay hay”.

Eureka

I’ve done a quick analysis, you know, the usual pie charts (the only kind of analysis my brain can grasp, I guess because of the reference to dessert), and I’ve come to an interesting conclusion – after college and my car and of course, cake ingredients, I spend most of my very hard-earned money on food containers.

My job at the cinema was to prevent people from hugging the “New Moon” poster. IMMD

If Edward Cullen was Pakistani, he could have been competition for Shoaib Malik

But he’s not, so Shoaib Malik remains the love of my life.

I finished reading all 4 of the Twilight series a couple of weeks ago, so I thought I would share my views:

The first book was bad; the first film one of the crappiest I’ve seen. I’ve said before Robert Pattinson is sada ka constipated and Kirsten Stewart was really annoying as Bella, and I’m not saying this because like many silly girls I know, I like Robert Pattinson (I don’t) and feel if she didn’t exist, I would have a chance with him (as if, Sobia). There is a chance though, that I didn’t like the film because of the hype. Sky high expectations don’t help. And I don’t just mean this when reading a book.

The second book – better, although Edward Cullen leaves! Plus it was really really badly written, which everyone knows already.

The third book – Amazing. It was so much fun wanting to read a book again. I actually gave up sleep every night! And that one line after Jacob kisses Bella where Edward tells him, “I would kill you if it wouldn’t upset Bella”; seriously, the most romantic words ever.

The fourth book – it dragged a little in places, and a little boring because no one died in the end (except this villain-but-not-really girl), but nice overall.

I must say though that anyone with less oestrogen in their system than a 15 year old girl might not share my views on Edward Cullen. He’s so smooth. Seriously everything he says makes you swoon.

So I don’t like Robert Pattinson or Kirsten Stewart or Bella – she sounds a lot like Brooke Logan from The Bold & The Beautiful at times in books 2 to 4, what with still being devastated over Edward leaving, yet flirting with Jacob. You know, the whole “same but new but different but hate but love too but same but maybe new love” crap. He left her for her own good, even though it hurt him so much; yet not even 6 months later, she starts laughing and smiling again, and goes around hanging out with other guys – she would make such a bad Pakistani.

I will need proof

me: I got to show me ur jalwa in Aaja nachle
  I LOVE IT
 Sobia: u shud get till teh end
 me: Although its so obvious Madhuri has aged, I still really liek her
 Sobia: she is so strong
  i lve her in teh movie
  yeah
  but she is no acting young
 me: Its so sad she gets divorced though
 Sobia: hmm
11:10 AM me: I would have expected better from Steve
 Sobia: of corse
 me: All talk
11:11 AM Sobia: steve was a douche bag
  men liek steve make me puke
11:13 AM me: He was cute though, so that kind of makes up for it
  Although mummy would not approve of his chin
11:14 AM Sobia: ill ahve to see wat u are talkign abt

11:23 AM me: Lol
  Up close inspection?
  Haram sobia
11:26 AM Sobia: i wish:(

Two good weekends in a row

So last weekend Friday – Many years ago, I read somewhere that if you memorised the 99 names of Allah t, you would be guaranteed a spot in heaven*. I’m a sucker for things like this, or maybe it was just my guilty conscience, but I started reading the names every day, and I had them by heart in a few weeks. I forget easily, so what I’ve done is I’ve downloaded the names and I listen to them whenever I’m driving. We were driving to the market Friday, and I was reading along to the track (is it ok to call it that?). A couple of seconds later, I noticed that both Hamzo and Rani were reciting the names with me. They did get a few wrong and had to replace a few of the names with aaaaaa to keep up with the track, but they had actually learnt all the names only by listening to it with me in the car. IMMD :)

Saturday – My grandmother used to say that you should always ask Allah t for everything you need and want – everything He feels suitable, He’ll give you, and the rest of your duas never go to waste – you are rewarded for them at the end, simply for using your right to ask Allah t. I’m crap with this though, because I can never think of anything I want or need. Anyway, so I went Thursday to look at a new iPod, but they didn’t have the colour I liked, so I came back empty handed. I was clearing my bag and I saw my old iPod. I thought I should store it away, but then it occurred to me that I had never prayed that it start working (I had tried to resuscitate it several times a few days ago) . So I said a few ‘please please’s to Allah and connected it again – and guess what? Yeha!

This weekend I went to see the match Friday. One word – Wow. Oh and 4 more words – I love Shoaib Malik. I cheered him like no one could have cheered him before. And guess where they made him field? Right in front of our seats! I saw him take all those catches! Seriously, we’re meant to be. I was planning on makign a poster that said ‘Shoaib Malik, Please marry me’, but then I thought what if he saw it. Too embarassing. And funniest quote of the day:

Aisha: Maliiiiiiiiiiiiikkkkkk

Humaira: Aisha!

Aisha: Sorry. Shoaiiiiiiiiiibbbbbbb

Humaira: Aisha!

Aisha: Sorry. Shoaib Bhaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiii

And yesterday, I bought myself a portable dvd player, so I’m going to be able to watch a lot more films now. Its too dark outside for me to be able to read on my way home now on the bus, so I’m going to watch films instead. This will also probably mean I’m not going to write as much on my blog, but seeing as no one even gets my jokes, I don’t see that being a problem. Oh and I also got The Cake Bible. Fascinating, is the right word I think. Maybe I should make cakes for a living. I see retirement fast approaching, yay.

* I’m sure there is a ‘Terms & Conditions apply’ to that – like never lying or not talking about ghair-mehrams all the time. Aw man.

The point in my last post on shareef and non-shareef and getting the same jokes reminded me of this: There was this guy in my class last year, who used to make all these jokes, which I never got because of the references he used. I think his favourite TV show was Seinfeld and he used to watch all these smart (read boring) films. Decent jokes, but I prefer it when I don’t have to print all of Urban Dictionary to carry with me, along with the regular dictionary I should be carrying. How do you expect me to get all these drug references? I did ask Alex (he’s from Amsterdam) to educate me once, but Aliya threw something at him and asked him not to corrupt my “innocent mind”. 

Anyway, so all his jokes would go whoosh over my head because the only references I get are Indian films, Friends, Everybody Loves Raymond and Scrubs. And I think he was kind of a party animal, going by all his pictures on facebook (therefore non-shareef). He was walking me to my car one day, and he said:

E: Hey, you didn’t wish me, it’s my birthday today!
H: Oh I’m sorry, happy birthday! How old are you?
E: 25.
H: Oh.
E: Do I look younger?
H: No.
E: Umm older?
H: No.
E: So why were you surprised?
H: You just seem so uhhh you seem to have done a lot.
E: A lot of?
H: Uhhhhhhhh
E: A lot of?
H: Uhhhhhhhh
E: A lot of drugs?
E: Alongthoselines, yes. 

I wish I could marry my sister. No, really.

I remember ages ago, I saw Zohaib Hasan, of the famous (atleast in Pakistan) brother-sister duo, in an interview. He spoke about how much he loved his sister Nazia Hasan, and he went so far to say that if Islam allowed it, he would have married her.

At the time, I thought La hawla wala quwwataillabillah, but years later, I think I get what he means.

Wouldn’t it be so convenient if you could marry your sibling? You’d know everything there was to know about them – the good and the bad. You’d know what would make them happy and they’d know how to cheer you up. You’d be able to assess theirr tone and know when to shut up and when you could get away with being rude (not that that makes it any less horrible). You’d know and understand their family – why they are the way they are, and maybe even have the same problems with them. You’d get the same jokes and you’d both see the humour in silly things like taking pictures with random waiters. You’d have all your inside jokes, and there would be no language barrier. You would both be the same mix of shareef and non-shareef.

Plus you’d enjoy the same things, more often than not. My sister and I were in the same classes in our first year, and that was my favourite year of college. We’re together again in a couple of classes this year, and I love those subjects :) I did make a few friends thelast two years, but none compare to her – its no fun Indian-bashing with an Indian.

I was reading some blog the other day, and the newly married girl wrote about how hard it was for her to adjust with the change in lifestyle, and having to live with a whole new family, that didn’t always approve of how she wanted to live her life. Its so hard for girls.

I know what makes the concept of marriage more romantic (so gay) is being paired with someone you don’t know inside out, and moulding yourself, and them, to be able to live happily ever after, but what if there is no ‘happy’, just (for-) ever after? The risk is too high. And yes, maybe you’ll have the same level of familiarity with your partner that you have with your siblings after a few years, but who has the time?

And you know what, this brilliant idea I have would make mummy happy too. This is the only way all her perfect children would have perfect partners. Seriously, she even praises Usman behind his back. Hamzo is so funny, we stopped for icecream the other day, and he went to get some while we waited in the car. Mummy usually compliments Sobia and Usman behind their backs, so when Hamzo returned, he said “Mein jab chal ke ja raha tha, mein soch raha zarur ab gaari mein mummy meri tareef kar rahi hogi”.

Abu, I’m not sure. He won’t be v happy having to pay for both sides. And he’ll be devastated because then we’re never moving out. But if he thinks it through, he’ll see it’ll help a little in the very long run – instead of 6 kids + (hopefully) 6 partners, he’ll have only 6 kids over for family dinners.

Oh, but I doubt he’s planning on ever having any family dinners. Oh well.

So let’s see then – Usman stinks (literally too), so no way, Hamzo is perfect, but I’m no paedophile. Rani and Aisha, nice but I intend on being the wife, and I don’t think I’d ever be comfortable marrying someone younger than me (A guy asked me my opinion on this once. A younger guy. A younger guy from India. Boo)

Sobia is nice – she’s pretty, and blind that she is with her lurve for me, she thinks I’m pretty too. I like to cook, she can’t crack an egg open without making a mess. She plans on not working after she gets married, I don’t mind either way. We had SO much fun when everyone else was in Afghanistan and we decided on our song too the other day. Plus I get to keep my surname!

That seals it then. Here goes,

Sobia Gulzad, will you marry me?

Dont take sides with anyone against the family. Ever.

I’ve just finished writing a v long post, but I’ll have to publish it later because I need to add a few links. One point in the post is understanding another’s family and criticising their shortcomings.

I try my best to never discuss my family and v close friends with anyone. Not even with other family members, and of course not with any friends. The above quote takes on like 3 new dimensions with me. I remember when I first started being best friends with my third best friend, I told her a few problems I had with my father. At the time, I was in tears and thought sharing is caring and all that, and this would make me feel better. I can’t seem to remember if it made a difference to me then, but immediately afterwards, the thought of her thinking of my father as a mean person really irked me.

See the thing is, you know both sides of the person – sure they made you cry one day, but what about every other nice thing they’ve done for you? The bad is an extreme, therefore a big deal, so you talk about it, but do you advertise the smaller, nice things they do for you too?

And then the next day or week, you apologise or they apologise (sometimes, there’s no need, even) and you’re back to how you were with them – your confidant will still think the same of them, right?

After I wrote my essays on my family, atleast a couple of people called Usman a loser, etc. and I silently scolded myself for making a mean post on him. Sure he’s smelly, but who are you to call my brother names?

Having said that, I have a big mouth, and sometimes I let a little too much slip when I’m in the mood. So for those of you know any negatives about my family – watch your back. I’m going to have to kill you now.

It said vessel, it must obviously have something to do with food

So in reply to my last post,

Usman: Whatever. Aisha aur Sobia ko chor ke aap ka blog parhta kaun hoga. Mein jo cheez hun woh sabko pata hai. Mere jaisa aaj tak koi paida nahi hua hai.
Humaira: Usman, an empty vessel makes much noise.
Usman: (pause) Aapko bhi mere pait se awaazein arahi hain?