Finally!

That was a lot of writing! I got tired of it after the first few, but that’s when the real pressure started. I was thinking of clubbing together Rani’s and Hamzo’s to say they’re both gorgeous, and that I loved them very much, but both threatened to stop talking to me if theirs wasn’t as long as Abu’s.

Anyhoo, its over now and I’m glad I made the effort, because everyone loved their posts and in turn, Aisha, Rani and Hamzo wrote the nicest posts on me. Aisha’s isn’t all nice – the only thing she didn’t call me was fat, but still, I called her Indian, so I deserve everything she said.

Ok so I’m sick of writing now and its Ramadan anyway. You too, should make better use of your time. Ramadan Mubarak, have fun and pray hard.

Me

My name is Humaira. Everyone calls me Humaira.

The size of my head is not proportional to the rest of my body.

Oh, and I love to sing.

My baby brother

My baby brother’s name is Hamza. I introduced him as my baby brother to one of my colleagues the other day, and he was v offended at me calling him a baby. He is 8 years old.

We have many different names for Hamza. I call him Jaani, Rani, Hamzo, Hamzi and in true bollywood style, Hamzaaaa when he’s annoying me. He always makes faces when I call him Rani, but responds to it nonetheless. Abu spelt his name Hamzah in his passport, so we use that at times too. Hamsa is another name.

Hamza and I are very similar. He also hates studying and opens his books only on the day before his exams. Only he’s lucky because before exams every term, he falls ill and then everyone goes ‘wow how amazing is he!’ when he comes first in class. Me coming first was due to lack of competition, remember?

Hamza was the smartest 4 year old in the world (excuse my writing, its crap). He is now the smartest 8 year old. I have very high aspirations for Hamzo. I’m old now, and nothing in life, Aisha is an engineer, that’s boring, Usman already has plans for a Transportation Company with an invalid contact number. Rani is pretty, so umm maybe she can act in an Indian tv show. That leaves Hamzo – I hope he can be someone mummy can show off in front of her family. Like a true Pakistani family, we have been telling him that he can choose between being a doctor and a Pilot. Honestly, he’s cool enough to be either.

Hamzi is extremely cool. He is also the biggest chicken ever.

Hamza is kind of slow on IM. All he does is reply to my Yos with yoyoyoyo and send me voicemails with Indian tv playing in the background.

Hamza watches either Main Hun Na or Krrish everyday. Not the whole movie though, because he can’t bear watching Krrish being beaten up.

Hamza was v excited when he came back from Afghanistan, because he had seen a real gun. When Usman asked him why he hadn’t taken a picture with it, he said he couldn’t because he had seen it in the toilet. “In the toilet?” Usman enquired. “Yes,” hamzo confirmed, “next to all the watermelons”.

Hamzo got me a sweetmelon from Afghanistan.

Funniest hamzo quote:

Jora hai?

Hamza used to be a big fan of my driving and my cars. The first car I got had an F-code in the number plate, and he said it stood for Ferrari, even though my car was crap. Now, every time I try to race someone or park in a difficult spot, he says “Zyada heroine banne ki zarurat nahi hai”. I wish he would be my groupie again :(

Hamza is very diplomatic. Whenever we ask him who his favourite sister is, he says we’re all his favourites. This is because earlier, he used to choose me, and then Sobia, Aisha and Rani would act sad. Seriously guys, do you blame him?

Hamza is my favouritest person in the whole world. I missed him like crazy when he was in Afghanistan, and the worst part of my day was having to use my key when I came home, instead of listening to Rani and Hamzo race to get to the door first. He actually offered to stay when I was crying at their departure. How can you not love someone so sweet?

Hamza talks ALL DAY LONG. He has admitted that his tummy aches when he is quiet. There was one time when I took him to the store with me, and he spoke the whole time, and my only response was Mm hm. That’s over an hour of talking. He once told me about this theory he had, that in a conversation, what you hear could be v different from what the other person was saying. I kept giving him random answers every time he repeated this, to prove his theory right.

Hamza also loves eating. Rani told us yesterday that everyone should fast on their birthdays, because that’s what the Prophet pbuh used to do. He said “Phir birthday ka fayda kya hua?”

Hamza tried to fast for the first time last year. Twice on the same day. Today was his first full fast MashaAllah.

Funny quote:

Hamzo: (memorized an answer from his Science book, and then tried to remember what he had read) The heart helps us to breathe.

Rani: (assuming he was telling her) Haan mujhe toh pata hi nahi tha (As if I didn’t already know that!)

Rani and Hamzo have a love-hate relationship. They play and fight all day long, and can’t stay angry at each other for longer than five seconds. They also share their love for talking. And eating.

Funny Hamzo quote:

Hamza: Chal Rani kuch karte hain (Come on Rani, let’s do something together I’m bored)

Rani: Kya? (What?)

Hamza: Umm kuch khaane ko hai? (Do you have  something we can eat?)

Hamza and I had an agreement where he would only marry a girl I chose, and I would have to marry a boy of his choice. He denied this outright the other day, when mummy acted all sad, and we’ve now settled for him letting me name all his kids. I have it in writing this time. Rest assured atleast one of them is going to be called Humaira. 

My mother always says you can never love anyone more than you love your own kids. I don’t see how I could ever love anyone more than I love Hamza.

I love Hamza very very very much.

My youngest sister

My youngest sister has many names. Her real name is Fathima, half our family calls her Guria, I call her Rani and Abu calls her Moria.

Rani was the cutest baby ever. She was extremely fair and had the prettiest eyes. She used to call me mummy before she called mummy mummy. You know what I’m trying to say. 

Rani was the biggest crybaby in school. You know how it takes some kids months before they’re fine with being left alone? Rani took it to a new level – it took her 4 years. 

Rani cannot survive without Indian soaps. When she was in Afghanistan, most of her texts said she missed me, Sobia and the tv.

Rani is 11 years old. She’s the prettiest in our family.

Rani is not very brilliant at school. We often have this conversation:

Rani: Mrs.abc used to teach you xyz too right?

Sobia/Humaira/Aisha: Yeah

Rani: She’s so mean! You know how she pinches you when you don’t know an answer?

Sobia/Humaira/Aisha: Umm no we never had that.

Rani is v annoying on IM. You know how when you ask someone a question, and they reply to you, you say ok? Rani says ok again. And again. And not even ok. She says K. Ugh. I thought I’d get back at her the other day:

fathimagulzad: mummy is saying its ok u can go

me: Ok

fathimagulzad: k

me: K 

fathimagulzad: k

me: K

fathimagulzad: k

me: K

fathimagulzad: k

kkk enough

me: K

fathimagulzad: enuf humaira

me: K

fathimagulzad: humaira

me: Don’t humaira me

fathimagulzad: humaira

me: Don’t humaira me

fathimagulzad: dont tell me that dont humaira me

me: Don’t humaira me

Don’t humaira me

Don’t humaira me

fathimagulzad: humaira  

u dnt humairaa me

me: Don’t humaira me

fathimagulzad: ok

humairaaaaaaaaaa  

plz

u r annoyng me

me: Then Don’t humaira me

fathimagulzad: plz humaira enuf is enuf

me: And not enough is not enough

fathimagulzad: humaira i am kutty with u

me: Ok now I’m crying

fathimagulzad: no no ono no non on ono

sorry sorry i am dosty

me: Liar

fathimagulzad: no really sry

how can sorry be a lie

me: Ok I’m smiling now

Rani can be rude at times, but she has a good heart. She is also v stubborn and starts crying if she doesn’t get her way.

 

This is a conversation I had with Sobia about Rani:

Humaira: remember this?

Sobia: lolll/… i lveo ehr so much.. 

yesterday she annoyed me so much….she kept saying sobia api teri ore teri ore bohot accha gana hai and i was so tired i said i dont want to listen to it..then she sits rite next to me and starts singing in a very nasal voice..teri aurrrrr teri aurrrrrrr..im like guriia jao yahan se…. she liek kyuuu.. im liek gudia gaana bhi itna tez lagaya hua hai aur ga bhi rahe ho main bohot thaki hui hun mera hosla nahi hai…shes liek gaana sunne ke liye hoslay ki kya baat…. im liek gudiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

then she comes back after soemtime to use the laptop….. and goes…abhi sunna hai gaana… and i can hear the song playing really loud….. i jsut gave her a really dirty look and gave her the laptop and left…

sheesh i hate taht song

Obviously I play this song v often at home now.

Rani feels whenever we go out with friends, we should take her with us. This is not possible anymore, because she is as tall as all of us, so we can’t pass her off as someone who tagged along last minute. She is very offended by this, and makes sure she makes us feel guilty every time. Most of her comments on my facebook pictures are ‘This is a nice picture. Where did you guys go? Obviously, wherever you went, you didn’t take me’.

I have already posted some of the funniest quotes by Rani here, here, here and here.

Last year, Rani prayed her first Taraweeh at home and the next day, she went to the mosque to pray. She was v confused how many rakahs the Imam had prayed, so she asked us how it worked. We told her that every prayer she said was two rakahs. She was quiet for a while, and then said “I think I prayed 40 rakahs yesterday”.

I love Rani very very much.

My brother

My brother’s name is Usman. He is not my brother. 

We were v excited when Usman was born, because he was our first brother. Little did we know what lie in store for us. My mother and the three of us might have spoiled him a little, but to this day, Abu swears he hadn’t asked for a son.

 
Usman was born cute. Mummy worked v hard to fix his left ear, but afsos. Up until he was 10 yrs old, he was pretty nice and normal looking. There was a time when he said I was his favourite sister, and I liked him just as much, if not more. Then he grew up. 

He was a wuss in the beginning and I remember Mummy and Sobia fought his battles for him. 

Funny hamzo quote:
Usman: You should be ashamed of yourself hamza for being scared of cats.
Hamzo: Usmaaan, you used to be scared of the laundry! 

He always hung out with guys who were too old. At first I thought that was v cool because he would start playing Cricket, but that didn’t happen. The only things he did learn were how to grow his hair ugly and talk weird.

Usman is constantly trying to set me up with Faraz the estimator, because he feels I won’t get any better. I feel the same way about Usman and the black mannequin at Splash. There was one time when I brought home flowers from an event, and Usman kept trying to convince mummy to check them for grease marks. 

This is a video of Usman when we were on our way to Oman. It might not make any sense to anyone, but the first time I saw it, I laughed so much I cried. We were playing Indian music in our car, and Usman thought he was too cool for it, so he was listening to his own music. And dancing to it:

Its also funny how he got the countdown wrong 4 times! 3,2,1. 3,2,1. 4,3,2,1. 5,4,3,2,1.

The only good thing about Usman is that he has a sense of humor. I’ll admit some of the jokes he makes are funny. Like when we were talking about marrying him off to one of our Afghan cousins. 

Usman pays no attention to school, and he has opened our eyes to the World of Cheating. Many of his school teachers are terrified of Sobia for her screaming prowess.

Mummy thinks Usman is good looking. This is NOT true. Abu thinks Usman is… Ok the list is too long. Abu is a wuss though, because there was one time when he was v angry at Usman, and all Usman said was ‘Why do you always pick on me Abu don’t you know I love you?’ and Abu got all teary and let him off. 

Usman’s voice alternates between a donkey’s bray and baritone.

Usman is not built for any kind of work. He helped me out with carrying boxes for a total of ten minutes at the flea market, and he fell sick the next day. And he’s not strong enough for his size. Just being able to hold my hands and immobilise me with one hand doesn’t count because that’s owing to my size. It gets a little hard to make him let go of me, because mummy has asked me not to (read threatened to kill me if I) kick him in the crotch, and I can’t bite him because he’s disgusting. I would say Usman is the most pointless person ever, but that title goes to his ex best friend Ali. 

A few years ago, Abu used to judge people who didn’t pray regularly, and especially ones who prayed only on Fridays. He called them Pakistanis. Then Usman grew up and we realised the phrase ‘Better to be half right than completely wrong’ makes sense. Usman has no conscience – even Hamzo cares enough to turn down the tv volume for the Azan, but Usman remains oblivious.  

Usman and I don’t get along. At all. We used to fight a lot a couple of years ago, but now I act like he does not exist. He makes this impossible, and not only because of the size of his face and tummy.  May I break to add his is the only tummy I’ve seen that begins from his chin? When I’ve been out and knock on our home door to come in, he keeps yelling ‘Identify yourself’ from the other side and asking for my Code name, until I manage to scream loud enough to reach mummy. When I call home for mummy and he answers the phone, he either does a great mummy or keeps delivering dialogues from Don. This was funny at first, but hearing how the Don’s enemies die is getting a bit tiring now, especially because he’s implying I will die all those deaths. 



Another reason Usman and I don’t get along is because I used to tell on him when he was little and had just started developing his cheating skills. Like the time he had to study for an exam, and when I was testing him on it, I saw that there were only short question and answers in his notes. I told mummy he had probably got rid of some of the longer answers. He denied it and mummy believed him. I was proven right when the toilet clogged and the plumber found a stack of pages. May I break to add I’m genius? Usman says now this is because we have a connection. No. Its because I know how his mind worked.



Funny quote:


Humaira: Wake up loser its 7pm you’ve been sleeping all day


Usman: (groan)


Humaira: Fine I have your phone I’m going to go through your emails and tell mummy and Abu everything


Usman: All I have is 53 unread emails from Hot Russian girls


Humaira: I’ll tell Abu you registered on some website to get these emails


Usman: Like you’ve registered on Shaadi.com?  

Usman is convinced I am a member of Shaadi.com, when in reality I have only been on it once, that too to check out some pathetic loser’s profile my friend forwarded me for a laugh. Lol it was funny I tried to access it at work, but the site was blocked. I guess all the Indians in my office had too many hits. 


Usman is very classy and cool. He gets invited to all the cool parties. 

Only someone living in Dubai could gauge just how cool this invite makes him.

Sometimes, I feel v sad when I think how he’s different from the rest of us. He’s the only one of us who doesn’t pray, who doesn’t pay attention to school, who has no intention of working hard in life and who has no real ambition. Whenever my mother asks him to try harder in school, he gives her Bill Gates’ example. His plan is to buy a few trucks and manage them for a living.

Usman: I’ll call it Gulzad & Sons transport, and then make Abu pay for the trucks


Humaira: If Abu is paying for it, how is it Gulzad AND Sons Transport? And how many more times does Abu have to disown you before you realise you’re not getting any of his money?


Usman: I’m thinking I’ll use one of his apartments as my office. What do you think Mummy?


Mummy: Good luck


Usman: I think I’ll give mummy’s number on my business card (this is funny because my mother never ever answers her phone) Actually now that I think about it, maybe I’ll just move to Europe and start a scooter business.


Humaira: What happened to the brilliant truck idea?

Usman: No one drives trucks in Europe! I’m thinking scooters are more feasible.

Ladies and gentlmen, our future!

I hope one day soon, he realises the error of his ways, and starts praying and paying attention to school, so he can be successful in life. Will he ever? Will he stop being extremely rude every time he loses his temper? Will he stop smoking?

Most important question is, Why do I care? He’s not even my brother.

My middle sister

My younger sister is called Aisha. When she grows up, she wants to be Indian.

Aisha is v pretty. She is also the best dancer I know. This is a video of her at a college competition that she didn’t win thanks to her silly partner, who was practicing her bhangra. She choreographed the dance herself by looking at videos of the original song. She’s going to teach me too, for when our ungrateful elder sister gets married.

If you’re facing your computer, which is usually the ideal way to watch a video, Aisha is the one on your left. She has even bigger hair than I do; only her hair is pretty.

Every one we know says Aisha and I look so similar we could be twins. At this, we both make the same disgusted face every time. We do not look similar.

Aisha is extremely thin. Because she’s a witch and she loses weight by black magic. It’s the only reasonable explanation, since she eats rice by the truckload, and still has the flattest tummy ever.

Aisha and I get along very well. She laughs at all my jokes. Actually she laughs at any and all jokes. She’s a little too easy.

Aisha is considering moving to Abu Dhabi with Sobia. I can only imagine how peaceful their life will be.

Aisha has lost more phones than anyone I know.

Aisha is the only one in our family who shares my enthusiasm for Cricket. She should thank her stars she doesn’t share my enthusiasm for Shoaib Malik.

Aisha has big feet. She thinks they’re pretty; I disagree.

Aisha is convinced she saw me singing at some Pakistani concert. She is blind.

A couple of years ago, I trained Aisha in an art. I have now retired, and she has surpassed any achievements I made in the field.

I think one of the highlights of Abu’s life was when Aisha’s kindergarten teacher wrote ‘Top of the Class’ in her Report Card. Abu thinks Aisha is a Model. 

We have to keep an eye on Aisha because whenever you leave her alone for periods > five minutes, she falls asleep.

I don’t know if Aisha will be happy or annoyed with me for her essay not being long enough.

This is another song we’re dancing to at Sobia’s wedding:

This is how I told Aisha:

Humaira: just letting you know, this is one of the songs we will dance to when sobia gets married
I will, of course, be amitabh bachchan
“hain” 

Aisha: and i will be….????
rekha??
isnt she doin all the dance??
all the extremely dignified dance moves? 
anyway i dont mind, as long as u do the amitabh bachan steps.
“hain”.

Humaira: like duh ur rekha. and im sorry – but u need to start working on it – I already have my steps rehearsed
hain
hain
hain
see?

Aisha: LOL

Aisha lols a lot.

I love Aisha very much.

My sister

My sister’s name is Sobia. When she grows up, she wants to be rich.

My sister likes to take photos. Sometimes, she gets into fights if she doesn’t take pictures. The pictures she takes are mostly of herself. She’s one of the only two people I know, who always has a picture of herself as her Desktop background.

Most used phrases:

- Like, out of ten?

- I can not believe what you’re wearing humaira.

According to Sobia, all my clothes go into two piles – the ones I should get rid of, and the ones I should give to her. I don’t let her sort my wardrobe, because then I will not have any clothes left.

Sobia is v pretty. I know atleast three guys who have found my blog when they were googling Sobia Gulzad.

Sobia has zero pain tolerance. Ask Abu and he will happily retell his dentist story and how she humiliated him for life.

Sobia works at a Shipping Company where she’s training in Operations. This mainly involves reading blogs, never commenting on them, moaning about how boring her job is and going to the mall every day. Yes, every single day. I hope after she gets married, she moves to a country that has a Bankruptcy Law.

Sobia’s feet are not identical.

Everyone says Sobia looks like she’s either Iranian or Labanese. That’s someone who comes from Laban Land.

I’m sorry if she finds this offensive, but as pretty as she is, she can look very paindu in her pictures.

Until a couple of years ago, Sobia’s ambition in life was to get married to a rich guy, and make his rich cousin marry me. Notice I said make the cousin marry me? Yeah. She maintained her ambition, even when I was sure about marrying someone else. I once asked her what we would do if I didn’t like the cousin. She said that wasn’t important.

Sobia’s favourite game is Playing On Our Lives. It’s played with a car and family members.

Sobia doesn’t like the Great Outdoors, because it involves getting your clothes dirty. The few times that I’ve managed to organise a family trip, she has tried very hard to wear either Aisha’s clothes or mine. Mine from the pile of clothes she thinks I should give to her, so she can look pretty for her pictures.

I overheard at home last night that Sobia is finally over chickpeas.

Another one of Sobia’s goals in life is to work on my posture. She says I walk like a duck.

Sobia and I didn’t get along when we were younger because she was mean and I was rude. We get along a little too well now. I have to continue being nice to her, because she knows too many of my secrets.

I know she loves me a lot, because she never ever makes faces at me, no matter how unreasonable I’m being, and one the nicest things she’s said about me is ‘I’m just glad I didn’t kill humaira before I found out how nice she can be’. She likes me so much that she wants to marry someone whose name sounds liek mine.

The most I’ve ever laughed with Sobia is when I told her the Sadaf Iqbal story. Remind me to show you this chat Aisha.

Sobia has a list for everything.

Sobia is Obsessed with Robert Pattison. You know how most people say their prayers before they go to bed? For a long time, Sobia would watch Twilight before she went to bed. Every single night. She created so much hype about it at home that even I decided to give up some sleep and watch it. I thought, except for the one scene where they were swinging from the trees, he looked constipated throughout the movie. She is now convinced I am homosexual, since that is the only way someone can not like Edward Cullen.

10:17 AM Sobia: did u really wear that black shirt thsi morning

  its really ugly

me: No I didnt

  You’re just jealous sobia

Sobia: i wanted to say soemthing when i saw it

  but tehn i said forget it

me: Forget it?

  Why sobia?

  What happened to ur motto of

  Start the day with love

  Fill the day with love

 Sobia: it was crap

 me: End the day with edward cullen

 Sobia: omg

  i saw his picture int eh morning

  it made me feel so happy i swear

  i swear im nto joking

me: Ur a loser

Sobia: who have u ever felt liek this about?

  probably a girl

me: Def not Robert pattison

Sobia: maybe if he was Roberta pattinson

me: lollllll

  More likely a pretty girl than Oh edward

Sobia: u dotn noe wat u are talkign abt

me: Ur a loser

  I just told aliya

Sobia: told her wat

me: She cnt stop laughing

  Roberta

  The whole story

 Sobia: lolllll

  im surprised u dint laff

 me: I cnt stop too

 Sobia: me too

  lolllll

me: Btw she said 25 is not too old to have oh edward’s pics in ur cupboard

Sobia: omg

  u told ehr taht

  u are so dead

  u cow

  i will kill u

  i can never show her my face

me: Both of us cnt stop laughing

Sobia: :D

me: She said its fine until ur 28

Sobia: oh ok

Sobia is not capable of replying to emails properly. For someone who came first in her class all the time, she has an incredibly short attention span. I usually love conversing by email, but this is not possible with her. You send her a long ass email, you know the kind where you make a new paragraph for every thing you’re talking about? Yeah, how does Sobia reply to it? She replies to the last paragraph only. ONLY! I told her off once, and then she made fun of me by marking Ok, ok, ok, next to every paragraph I had in my email. She’s the only person I’d rather chat with on IM.

She thinks there is nothing wrong with not replying properly. The following is her advice to me on a problem:

me: I dotn know enough on the subject to reply properly.

Sobia: do wat i do

me:  Lol

  End the conversation?

Sobia: nohting

  start talkigna bt clothes

  bore him

  show him ur shallow

  fight for no reason

me: Lollll

  Ok this is going on my blog

Sobia is technologically challenged. And like Abu says - not knowing isn’t a bad thing; not knowing and not taking others’ (read humaira’s) advice on it is bad. It took me weeks to get her to switch to Gmail. In the end, I just created an ID for her and sent her the details. She didn’t use it, because apparently sovia.bobo@gmail.com isn’t funny. I think it is.

There was one time when one of my colleagues was selling his phone. I had this conversation with Sobia:

Humaira: do u want to buy a htc touch screen mobile? only 2500. i know, of course not loser. ur even dumber than me

Sobia: yes i want to buy the htc touch screen fone….. its somethign i have dreamed of all my life…..touch the screen and call teh only person on my call list…….take a wild guess who…then touch screen again and msg him…… will make my life soo easy….how much did u say it was for…only 2500???? too less for all those luxuries…. LOSER

I love Sobia very much.

My mother

My mother’s name is Mehnaz. She is v pretty. Whenever someone says I resemble her, she says that’s not possible, because I have a fat nose.

The only reason Mummy doesn’t think my eyes are small is because hers are smaller. Also, I will never get tired of the Dingy joke.

Mummy is v proud of her family. She thinks Pathans are the highest caste/best race there is. When I say everyone is created by Allah t and therefore we’re all equal, she says “Haan woh toh hai. Lekin phir bhi Pathanon ki alag hi baat hoti hai” (You’re right. But Pathans are more equal than others)

My mother likes to get rid of things she thinks we don’t need. I’ve finally forgiven her for getting rid of the chadar Abu gave me, although I’m never forgetting. The entire time we were at the flea market last month, she tut-tutted at how dirty everything was, and she re-sold the only thing I bought.

Funny Mummy story

Random Filipino: Madam first I will buy couch.

When mummy is in a bad mood, she doesn’t care what she says. She was annoyed at everyone in Afghanistan for being a bore, so when they asked why I hadn’t come this year, she said I didn’t feel like coming. She says the same thing when her sisters ask her why she doesn’t come to Pakistan.

My mother makes the best Pakistani food ever. I never eat biryani and rasmalai at restaurants, because they pale in comparison.

Mummy and I didn’t get along very well when I was younger, because I was forever complaining about her being biased towards Sobia. Now I accept it, so we got along much better.

My mother is crazy about the Imam from our mosque. The next time she gives me a chore I don’t want to do, I’m going to threaten her with telling Abu about this. The probability of me getting my ass kicked is very high.

My mother is scared of big trucks and Emirates road. She is convinced the humungous trucks will one day fall over. On our car.

My mother makes the best parathas in the whole wide world. She doesn’t make them v often though, because she hates that we don’t eat them all alone when they’re scorching hot, and instead wait for her to finish making them so we can eat together.

Mummy is very interested in Politics. She cried when Musharraf gave his last speech. She thinks Nawaz Sharif is too ‘Gol matol’ to be Prime Minister.

Mummy is NOT a Gulzad. She thinks a certain few from my father’s family have put him under a spell. No joke.

I don’t know if Mummy will be offended or happy with me for her essay not being long enough.

My mother has many children. Sonia said she was going to straight to heaven, without any hisaab, because she had me by natural birth. I was born 10 lbs heavy.

I love my mother very very much.

My father

My father’s name is Abu. He doesn’t like his name. When we were in Afghanistan last year and I asked him why we didn’t call him Agha like all the other Afghans addressed their fathers, he said it was because we were dumb. He told me it was Ma’s idea and ‘Abu’ was too Pakistani for his liking, and when I asked him why he hadn’t corrected us when we were younger, he said Meh, and completely ignored me. He does that a lot. He calls me at work or at home, and when he’s said all he wanted to, he hangs up on my face. No bye no Allah hafiz. I’m not ok with this.

My father is v old. We don’t know exactly how old, because he was born at home. Mummy’s usually good at remembering birthdays, but she wasn’t around when he was born.

Abu likes to tell stories. A LOT. 

Abu and banks have a special relationship. He likes them because they keep his money safe from the evils of the world. Like spending.

Abu is vvv intelligent. He wanted to be a mathematician when he was young but they didn’t offer that where he studied. He’s trying to make up for his unfulfilled dream by teaching his kids Math in school. I’m not sure it helps, because he uses farsi terms for addition and subtraction – as if the math itself wasn’t hard enough to figure out, now they also need to decipher his farsi. 

Abu does not know how to give directions. When I had to go to the Afghan Consulate, we had this conversation:

Abu: Do you know where the Immigration is?

Me: No.

Abu: Yeah the Consulate is exactly behind the Immigration.

Me: Umm thanks.

Also, he asked me to take a right from the Ajeeb-o-Ghareeb roundabout in Muhaisnah to get to the dentist. He did not feel the need to elaborate on where exactly the roundabout was, or where I was coming from to take a right. 

Abu is convinced girls flirt with him all the time. There is no truth to this claim.

Abu has worked very very very hard for a very long time to get where he is today. He had to not only support his family, but also pay off an old family loan while he studied full time. When he was in Afghanistan, one of my cousins was telling Abu how he had had to start from scratch (zero). My father said he had started from minus. I cannot put into words how proud I am of him.

From 2000 until 2004, the sole purpose of Abu’s life was to get me to cut my fingernails short. I wouldn’t listen to him, so I could get back at the annoying teacher who would complain to him about me. She was fat. I think he’s lost his zest for life now that I’ve stopped growing my nails. 

Of all the guys I know, after Mike D, Abu has the nicest hands. Neat and tidy and all wrinkly.

There was this one time when we were having dinner, and I noticed his nails were longer than he usually let them grow. Clean, but not as good to look at. I told my mother in Urdu (so he wouldn’t understand) that his hands looked so untidy, and then he kept asking Mummy “Che mega?” (What did she say?) until she told him what I’d said. He actually left his dinner and cut his nails right then, while I apologised profusely. 

Abu says “Che mega?” a lot. Ask Mano Khala. 

Abu is terrified of Sobia’s driving. It is humanly not possible to count the number of times he says “Mizaniiiiii” (you’ll hit it) while she’s driving. He holds on to his door with both hands (no joke) and stamps on his imaginary brake the whole time she’s driving. He doesn’t mind my driving too much. I was driving in reverse on the main road again the other day, and he told me ‘Bala mikuni humaira’, which means I’m amazing. I agree. 

Funniest Abu quote: Hello? Hello? Deewar? Deewaaaar?

I don’t remember how we did earlier, but Abu and I get along very well now. He tells me his stories ALL the time.

Abu knows an assortment of insults. He is v considerate when there is a non-farsi speaking person in our company. Abu doesn’t speak Urdu, but he makes sure he uses insults that are common to both languages, so the other person doesn’t feel left out.

Abu has the sharpest memory ever. Anything you didn’t do for him is etched into his memory forever.

16^th August 2009 was a very important day in Abu’s life. Code: Tooshak

Abu has a big beard and he tries a different shape every time he trims it. It used to be bigger and scary until some barber jinxed Abu’s phenomenal facial hair growth.  God bless him.

Abu is sort of a health freak. Except for his tummy, that he ignores completely, he huffs and puffs when he puts on an ounce of weight. He goes on a diet, which only involves not having butter on his bread for Friday breakfast. The most ridiculous thing ever is, it works.

Abu had a strict workout routine when we used to live in Madina Badr. He would come home exhausted at 9pm every night, and still find the energy to go jogging/running, all the while working on his vocal chords. Sometimes, all the way till the Police Station. We are extremely grateful to all his Personal trainers, who gave him the motivation for his workout. Abu was a celebrity in Madina Badr.

Of all the people I know, Abu has the oldest car, and he thinks it could kick my car’s ass any day. In reality Abu’s car is a piece of trash. It has had innumerable problems over the years and this is what it looked liek after one of his accidents. He still didn’t consider getting rid of it.

I still get laughing fits everytime I mix the wiper thing with the other one you use to flash at people when I’m driving. Remember “don’t horn, don’t horn, don’t horn”? Abu does not agree with the world’s point of view on his car though. He would rather get rid of Usman than his car. Actually he would rather get rid of Usman period. He thinks Usman doesn’t even deserve the Muslim name they’ve given him. 

Funny quote

Ma: Ask Usman to stop his PS and pray Asr.

Abu: Do you think it will make a difference?

Ma: Fine don’t do anything.

Abu: No lets try this. Usmaaaaan, stop playing PS and pray Asr. (Pause) Do you see Usman?

(I think it was a have-to-be-there joke)

Abu and Usman don’t get along, because Usman doesn’t say his prayers. It would be an understatement if I said Abu has tried his best to get him to pray.

Abu also thinks Usman is beghairat for wearing sleeveless tshirts in front of his sisters and mother.

Abu has names for all of us.

I love Abu for how he treated me in Afghanistan last year. He would consult with me before he took any decisions, and together we would discuss what things not to tell mummy lol. All the other girls and women would eat separately, but I would sit at the head of the dastarkhwan with Abu and we would share a plate everyday. For the longest time after our trip, he called me his partner :) I remember my sisters and I would be sitting together, and he would ask everyone but me to run errands for him. One day Aisha asked him why, and he didn’t have an answer, but he did acknowledge that it was true :) On our last day in the village last year, both Abu and I were waiting in line for namaz, and we had this conversation, that I know I’m going to remember for a long long time.

Abu: Make sure you pack our shampoo and everything we got. We won’t be able to come back for anything.

Me: Forget it Abu, we have enough back home. Let’s leave it for them.

Abu: Yeah ok go ahead and be generous with things you didn’t buy.

Me: I’ve already left everything I brought/bought. You’re such a scrooge Abu.

Abu kissed my forehead and hugged me and then said,

Abu: Tu qand is ti.

I don’t want to translate the last sentence to English, because then it doesn’t mean as much to me as it does in farsi. Basically Qand is sugar cube in farsi, and when we were younger Abu used to call all 3 of us Qand when he was happy or when we got good grades. It had been a long time since he called me Qand :) I guess it goes without saying, we both teared up at this point, and my cousins started teasing us. 

Whenever Abu gets free Laban, he brings it home for me, because he knows I love Laban. 

Abu is a racist because he doesn’t hate everyone equally. Pakistan gets first preference. One time, he wouldn’t eat salad at dinner, because he said it had “Pyaz-e-Pakistani” (we had cut the onion like a Pakistani would). When he’s in a good mood, and we’re feeling particularly reckless, we play “Mera Imaan Pakistan’ by Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan in front of him. He says that’s not saying much about your Imaan. He thinks all Pakistanis are equally corrupt and I think the next time he replies to any of my mother’s questions (like How are you? or What time are you coming home?) with ‘Oh yeah, even your President is corrupt!’, she’s going to throw something at him. Something big. 

I love my father very much.

Composition: My School

The name of my school is The Purely Indian School. My school is in Garhoud. My school is full of Indians. My school has a big playground, that they use as parking space for our school buses. I love my school very much.

Remember how they made us write compositions in first grade? I thought I’d write my essays on my family like a composition. I’m done with the ones on my parents, and let’s see how much more I can finish before Ramadan. Most of the jokes are exclusive to the Gulzads though and the posts I’m done with already are a little too long, so I might add photos to make them bearable. I don’t mind anyone masturbating to photos of Abu, but if I post any other pictures, I might password protect them.

Thank you for your time. It was a complete waste.