Stuff My Parents Say

There’s this really funny guy on twitter who quotes stuff his 70 year old dad says. Its been a while since I’ve been on twitter but I try to log on now and then to read his and mikey’s tweets. Some of the stuff he says reminds me of my parents. The guy goes by the user name shitmydadsays, and I was going to title this post shit my parents say, but that sounds a little badtameez.

Ok so every Ramadan, there’s atleast one woman who befriends mummy at the mosque to talk rishtas. Mummy is now an expert at dodging them, but this year there was a woman who didn’t ask for one of our rishtas. Instead she asked for ma’s help in enlisting potentials for her son, since obviously we didn’t fit her criteria. She said her son was an Aeronautical Engineer, and she needed her daughter in law to be a doctor, like her other bahu who was an ICU specialist (we refer to the woman as the-ICU-specialist’s-mother-in-law at home). Also, her son was 6′4″ tall, so the girl had to be tall and slim. And pretty of course, because her son was too.

Given none of these could be met, she said she would be willing to settle for a girl with an American, British or Canadian passport. So funny. I don’t see how a passport color can make a person attractive. Talk about skewed priorities.

There was some rishta last week and mummy said no because the guy wasn’t educated and he wasn’t good looking. She said ‘Can you imagine the noses on their babies!!!?’ (I don’t usually use mutiple exclamation marks but the way she said this, it was either that or caps lock). Not only did she not want a mediocre damad, she said she wouldn’t want to play with ugly grandchildren. We had quite a few laughs over this at home, and someone asked Ma and Abu what their criteria was for a damaad for their four daughters.

Abu said he just wanted someone who prayed regularly and who wouldn’t leave us after umm, some time. By the way, I don’t think Abu is singing us any Babul ki dua leti ja songs when we leave :)

Mummy’s list was a little longer. She said obviously he had to be tall, because ‘itna chota sa damad kaisa lagega!’(What would people say if he was a dwarf?). Second he had to be well off, because she didn’t want her daughters to lead a hard life. He had to be educated, so ‘kisi se mila toh sakein hum usko’ (she could introduce him to her family without feeling ashamed). He had to be from a good khandaan because we were too. And last and most important, he had to be good looking. ‘Kam as kam betha hua acha toh lagey’ (so he can look pretty).

I don’t think she’s considering what she has to offer from her side (=us). I wonder where she’s hiding her Angelina Jolie/Charlize Theron look-alike daughters.

I’m going to let you finish, but xyz is a better Muslim than you are

Or is he?

The Prophet Pbuh knew exactly when Laylatul Qadr was, but he knew his ummah would be a bunch of lazy asses, so instead of handing yet another miraculous night to us on a platter, he asked us to search for it in the last ten nights. According to most ahadith, the only clue he gave us was that it was one of the odd nights. (One question I’ve had for a very long time is if its fixed which of the nights it is. It should be, right? But then how come we see signs of Laylatul Qadr (rain, bright night, etc) on different nights each year?)

We usually go for Qiyam ul Layl during the last ten nights of Ramadan, where we pray eight rakahs of Tahajjud in congregation. We begin at 2am and finish around 4. You’re good if you get there five minutes earlier on any other day, but on the 27th night, we have to leave latest by 1 to guarantee a spot inside the mosque. This is because most people assume that Laylatul Qadr is on the 27th.

Its annoying at times, because we’ve been clearly told to concentrate on all 5 odd nights. But then when you think about it, atleast praying for one night is better than not praying at all?

Abu has taught us forever that a person who prays any more during Ramadan than he does in any other month is a hypocrite. His point being that we should pray just as much on any other day (not any less in Ramadan, Usman). So this excess during Ramadan makes them a Munafiq. And Innal Munafiqeena fiddarkal asfale minannaar. Which means Allah t has special seating arrangements for you. Or should I say, special heating arrangements. Get it? Ha ha. Anyway, someone asked the same question of Mufti Muneeb ur Rehman once on a TV show, (I love that guy btw. Last year, everyoen blamed him for the Pakistanis celebrating Eid on two different days, and his response? “Germany mein bhi do Eidein manayi gayi; wahan toh mein nahi tha na?”) Ok I’ve lost all track of my punctuation, so I’ll start again. Someone asked him the same question and he said that if you knew there was a sale or special offer at a store, wouldn’t you buy more than usual? In the same way, Allah t has said that every nafl is equal to a fard prayer and every fard is worth times 70 during Ramadan. What person in their right mind wouldn’t want to pray harder?

There’s this guy in my office, who honest to God would win the award for Sleaziest Person Ever, hands down. Come Ramadan, he has started fasting, prayed for the first few days and even styled his hair differently so he can look shareef. You still have the same dirty eyes dude, it doesn’t matter what direction you part your hair. Anyway, so I was thinking usually all he talks about is how he partied until the early hours every single night and here he wasnow advocating piety and abstinence. He’s been working from this office for over 3 years and he had to ask where the prayer room was.

What I’m trying to say is he changed his ways completely for Ramadan, and now post Eid, he’s back to partying and drinking (even his hair is back to the same ugly). Not just him, there are many others who changed their attires and their ways for Ramadan, only temporarily, though. I used to do it too. Should this be enough? Will any of this count? Will Allah t consider our fasts and prayers?

And again, atleast being good for one month is better than not being good at all right? Or is it? Does it really count as hypocrisy?

My sisters and I have been praying for as long as we can remember, and we read the Quran pak regularly and Alhamdulillah we don’t drink or smoke or many other things, and none of this was or is forced on us. We do it because we want to. But we don’t use the hijaab. Will any of this count then? What about preaching, when you don’t practice (atleast not perfectly)? (Is there anyone who does practice perfectly?) I don’t do enough, but still if I see someone around me doing something wrong, like not having their feet the right distance apart in namaz, or holding the Quran pak too close to their feet, I make sure I point it out. This is probably the only time I don’t mind being told off, because I know atleast I tried. Do I have the right to tell another person to make sure their dupatta is on right during their namaz, when I take mine off as soon as I leave the prayer room?

I always talk about how I want to visit this country and that, but I never mention wanting to go for Hajj or Umrah. Why? Because I know I’ll have to change my ways if I do, and I’m nto sure if I’m ready for the change yet. I don’t think I’m ready for a hijaab yet. Hajj and Umrah are a big responsibility, not just a holiday right?

There was a guy once who prayed all day everyday for all his life. When he died, Allah t asked him if he wanted to be considered for Jannah based on his prayers, or based on Allah t’s mercy. He said he thought he woudl do ok just based on his own deeds, and Allah t replied that with all his prayers, he couldn’t even thank Allah t enough for his little finger. He then said he wanted Allah’s mercy, and he was admitted into Jannah. Another story is how Allah t let a prostitute into Jannah because she had fed a cat. I guess we don’t really know then who Allah t favors.

What about those who only fast? If someone admits to not praying regularly, I don’t find it out of the ordinary, because its not a big deal I know loads of Muslims who don’t pray. But if a Muslim tells me they’re not fasting, I feel so disappointed, so let down by them. There was a guy in my class who told me he had missed a few fasts during Ramadan, and when I asked him why (I’m rude), he said because he had a Cricket Tournament. I wanted to punch him and ask how Cricket was more important than fasting. And again, if it can be more important than Praying, then why am I surprised?

Why isn’t that acceptable, if not praying is? Its been made clear that the pillars are Shahadah, Salah, Zakat, Sawm and Hajj. Salah first, not Sawm. I’m not saying Sawm isn’t very important, but its less important than Salah, right?

And again, is only fasting better than not praying AND not fasting?

Jummah prayers are sunnah (from what I remember), not fard, and Eid namaz is wajib*, so why do people turn up in droves for these and not for the fard prayers? And more importantly, why do people who even pray regularly give more importance to these when speaking to another Muslim. I know I do. I called one of my friends for Eid once, to wish him, even though he doesn’t pray namaz and when he said he hadn’t prayed Eid namaz, I didn’t wish him Eid Mubarak. I didn’t want to.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this. I think I’ve said too much. I hope I didn’t make Allah t angry with me. Do you think he will set me up with an Indian now?

Results

Remember? Yeah, I passed. And Sobia did amazingly well, so congratulations Sobia :)

Six more for Shawwal

You know now that Ramadan is over, you should fast 6 days in this month of Shawwal. Honestly, its easy peasy after you’ve been used to a whole month, plus the days are shorter. Fasting the whole month of Ramadan plus six in Shawwal is like fasting for the whole year in terms of reward.

You don’t need to thank me. Instead, some prayers would be nice.

I wish I was Shahid Afridi. Or Shoaib Malik. Or Shahid Afridi.

I want to marry this photo

 

Shoaib Malik is my hero <3

Eid Post

As usual, I’m late. It’s fine.

1. What are you wearing for eid? For girls: What color is it?

Shalwar kameez. Pink and white. Why only for girls?

2. How do you intend to spend chand raat? Whats the usual norm?

Ok this was fun. First, usual norm is not right. Either usual routine or norm. The norm is mehendi at some random house or running to the tailor. Something last minute and then go to bed really late. This year was completely different. Hamzo tried on his sherwani on the 28th of Ramadan, and it didn’t fit. So we went to Meena Bazar after Taraweeh, and then Aisha and I dropped it off to the tailor. Btw I was a teeny bit unfair to Aisha, and I very subtly apologised, but I don’t think she noticed. Lol ek toh subtlety and second she was half asleep as usual.

Anyhoo, so we were supposed to pick up hamzo’s shalwar kameez either on the 30th if we had 30 fasts or on the 29th at 1am. When Eid was announced, we went to Rani’s friend’s house for mehendi. I made the girl start with Rani’s hands, and when I decided I didn’t like her doodling, I faked a phonecall from Sobia and made a quick exit. Ramadan was technically over, and I didn’t want to ruin my hands any more than the dishwashing had already. Plus I didn’t really lie; I just said Abu was angry, which is true at any point of time. Everyone was tired from staying up the night before and by 11 I found myself up all alone. I had to go pick hamzo’s clothes and I didn’t want to go alone, because a) the tailor was in the worst part of Deira and although I would if I had to, I preferred not to go alone so late, and b) there’s never any parking there so I needed someone to come with me so one of us could stay in the car. So I was at home until around 1230 and then Usman came home. I made my disgusted face, that I usually reserve for Usman, and asked him if he wanted to come with me. He said sure and we left around 1. When we got to the tailor, the tailor said he needed another hour (!). It didn’t make sense to drive back home, so we just drove around Deira. How cool are we.

We laughed sooo much. I guess vvvvv deep down inside, he’s not such a bad guy. Some of his jokes:

Do you know how cool Ahmed Shah Durrani was? He lost to ____ and he didn’t change his clothes for 2 months, because he wanted to conquer the place in the same blood-stained clothes. Gandhi ji ki tarah nahi ke larna nahi ata toh Ahmisa/non-violence ki baat karo.

Mera toh Quran pak khatam bhi hogaya. Kal raat ko hi mein 28^th siparay pe tha Surah-e-Tabarakallazi pe (This si funny because Surah-e-Tabarakallazi is not in the 28^th sipara and second its not called Surah-e-Tabarakallazi)

Humaira aap lawyer kyun nahi ban jaate? Waise bhi aag lagane mein toh aap maahir ho

Anyway so we got some food and we looked at some mithai, but didn’t get any because the guy was using his bare hands to pack it. We picked up hamzo’s clothes and got home around 2.30. He then asked me to come with him to play billiards and I actually said yes. He taught me a few basic rules andwe went back home at 3am.

Honestly it was nice not having to be alone, especially because Usman is big so he was supposed to take care of me.  

3. How do you spend Eid? Go for namaaz or sleep late?

Eating. I’m bored of writing now so don’t expect any details (not like you care anyway). This was the second Eid I went for Eid Namaz to the mosque. Nice.

4. What’s the menu on Eid?

Our menu, nothing. We eat other people’s food.

5. Share 5 Eid festivity related pictures of your choice.

I like plain

Firsts

So Sobia had her first when she was minus 8 months old, Aisha gets one every Ramadan and me? Well I had my first yesterday.

No I don’t want to share our secret. Sobia if you say anythign in your comment, rest assured I will edit it to make you look silly. And please no one call me a tease, it sounds haram.

Update: I just remembered – I got one in Afghanistan too last year!

Hi I’m Mardana Mubarik

Two things I forgot to add:

First, Saherin, no matter how hard you try, you can never win. Every year when Eid is announced, Saherin texts me or calls me to wish me (even though I’m lazy as hell and never call her, sorry), and I always always beat her to the actual wishes. Tsk tsk Saherin. Better luck next life.

And guess how I spent most of my time at home during Ramadan. Yes fun and classy as usual, washing dishes. Because I was the only one who didn’t go to the mosque for Taraweeh, I was expected to have finished the dishes by the time everyone came back home. And this too is my own fault, because I volunteered the first couple of days. Seriously, when will I ever learn? My poor hands don’t feel liek they used to. ‘Mardana’, as Amrita would say. Its cute when she says it, because she thinks she’s using an exotic word. Its Urdu, for God’s sake.

What I don’t understand how there can be so many dishes to wash if everyone including hamzo was fasting during the day? I know Tohmat is haram and all that, but Usman?