Puchki

There’s this guy on one of Mummy’s Indian tv shows who’s called something Indian, but because his wife calls him Puchki, that is how ma refers to him as well. So funny.

I don’t use pet names/nicknames much, and I don’t let others address me with the same. Not many, anyway. I guess its how we’ve seen Abu and Ma. They think using these names isn’t right because it ruins your real name. Although Abu still does have names for us. Like when Aisha was younger, he used to call her Chuchu. How cute is that :) Maybe I’ll start calling you that again Aichu. Wait, I just had a visual where I was pulling your cheeks and calling you Aichuchu, and it looked kind of awkward, what with me having the pull-worthy-cheeks and you being taller than me. I don’t see it working.

There were some girls in my class who tried a few names for me but they never stuck (mainly because of my frown). Farrah used to call me humumu (I know!), Shahi called me Huhu, and now Aliya and Porus call me humzy. Its kind of cute when they say it. And like someone said, sometimes it is nice when only one person calls you a name.

Anyhoo, so why I don’t use them is because I don’t mean them. The only ones I use are for my two younger siblings – Jaani/Hamzo (Hamza) and Rani/Rano (Fathima). These are the only two I feel comfortable with because I mean it with them. Hamza really is my jaan and I love him and Rani to bits. Calling anyone else would feel fake to me. And I might be a communist, I might be a pornstar, but I am not fake*

*Abu will disown me first for being a communist.

I just saved your life, you’re welcome

(I hate mass-forwarded emails)

If you take an aspirin or a baby aspirin once a day, take it at night. (that makes sense)

The reason: aspirin has a 24-hour “half-life”. (~huh~)

Therefore (?), most heart attacks happen in the wee hours of the morning, the aspirin would be strongest in your system. 

2. (when did the numbering start) FYI, aspirin lasts a really long time in your medicine chest. Please read on.

WHY ASPIRIN BY THE BED saves lives. (ridiculous)

It is important to always have ASPIRIN in the home!!! Why have Aspirin by the bedside?

ABOUT HEART ATTACKS: There are other symptoms of a heart attack besides the pain down the left arm. One must also be aware of an intense pain on the chin, as well as nausea and lots of sweating, however these symptoms may also occur less frequently.
NOTE: There may be no pain in the chest during a heart attack. The majority of people (about 60%) who have had a heart attack during their sleep, did not wake up. However, if it occurs, the chest pain may wake you up from your deep sleep. If that happens, IMMEDIATELY DISSOLVE TWO ASPIRINS IN YOUR MOUTH and swallow them with a bit of water. Afterwards, phone a neighbour or a family member who lives very close by and state “HEART ATTACK!!!” (lolll) and that you have taken 2 ASPIRINS!

Take a seat on a chair or sofa and wait for their arrival and DO NOT LIE DOWN!!!

A Cardiologist has stated that, if each person, after receiving this e-mail, sends it to at least 10 people, probably a life could be saved! (right, this is probably what they teach Cardiologists in school. Acting school!)

PASS IT ON this message IT MAY SAVE LIVES !!

Pakistani Pakistani Bhai Bhai/Behen

Rani: Humaira aap blah blah

Humaira: Rani aapki umar kya hai?

Rani: I’ll be 12 in December

Humaira: And I’m 23. That makes me twice your age. You shouldn’t call me Humaira.

Rani: Humaira aap pe suit nahi karta. Like if I call you Humaira baji or Humaira api, it makes you sound so old.

Humaira: Oh ok. Phir choro

Because the age difference between the first three of us was small, we’ve always used each other’s names and not baji, etc. and then the younger ones have followed suit. Not just us in the immediate family, we’ve never called our cousins and others bhai or baji unless they were like >10 years older. In that case, they were boring anyway so we didn’t speak to them much.

I guess we’re v Non-Pakistani like that. All the Pakistani girls I know add a Bhai to the names of their brothers, cousins, classmates, tailors, random men on the street, etc. I know a girl who is married to her cousin, and she continued to call him Bhai for months after they were engaged, because she was so used to it.

Its not that I feel I’m too good to be their sibling – its just so obvious what I’m trying to imply. I remember at one of my jobs, I worked with a really nice guy who had to work with many teenage and not-so-teenage girls, and from the first encounter onwards, he would call everyone Beta (translates to son, but when used liek this, it means kid). It was so funny watching the poor 24 year old call girls much older than him Beta. And why did he do this? So they wouldn’t get the wrong idea when he was too nice to them or joked around.

So if I call someone Bhai, I feel like I’m implying ‘I’m too good for them and they therefore need to stay away’, and how rude is that! I could never do it. I don’t even feel comfortable when others call me Sister, etc. too, because its like they’re trying to make their intentions clear to me. I don’t need that. I feel like such a fake saying it. So many times, I try, but its like my lips just can’t form the word. God knows I could use it though, because honestly, I need to be in the Guinness Book of World Records for the number of car mechanics I’ve misled.

me: but it ll be fine

  like b’s facebook status says

  never loose hope

  tsk im so mean

  I’m definitely going to hell

Sobia: lolllllll

  i swear i bet its for u

  i will never loose hope

  i will get humaira one day

 me: i think so too

 Sobia: lolllllllll

 me: lolll

 Sobia: lollllllllllllllllllllll

 me: so the meanness is a family thing

  you changed u r status again

  you’re meaner than i am

 Sobia: so i can keep reading it

  forever

_

me: worse comes to worst

  theres always b

  and faraz

  and tanveer the recovery guy

  and the guy i sold my civic to

  and the guy i sold my accord to

  and the bengali

  so its not so bad after all

 Sobia: yes

  u choose fiorst

  ill go next

  ok?

  please let me have ur left overs

 me: lolll

 Sobia: loser

 me: loll

  they re na chandaan leftovers

 Sobia: ur probably the dream girl for these mechanics

  u bring them amazing business

 me: even the first choices are kind of like leftovers

 Sobia: and ur pretty

 me: loser

 Sobia: lollllllllllllllllllll

  do teer main ek nishana

  lolllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

  no need to work once they marry u

 me: fuck u sobia. And its ek teer mein do nishana

 Sobia: lollllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

  i cant stop laughinggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

  omg so funnyyyyyyyyyyyyy

 me: umm ok

  i dont really find it funny

 Sobia: no?

It stinks anyway

How bad for you is smoking Shisha?

Disastrous! A 40-minute Shisha session is like smoking 40 cigarettes, but worse as the smoke is cooled by the water, becomes denser (remember Boyle’s Law?) and therefore more concentrated and more dangerous once it gets to the lungs.

Don’t

People always come up to me and say my smoking is bothering them – well its killing me, but do you see me complaining?

Aam Aadmi

Ghalib, the famous Urdu poet, was a great lover of mangoes. He was travelling with his friend once, and they came across a donkey. There were several mangoes in front of the donkey, but he hadn’t touched them. The friend taunted Ghalib, saying “Dekho gadha bhi aam nai khata” (See, even a donkey doesn’t eat mangoes).

Ghalib, quick witted that he was, retorted “Haan, gadha hi aam nai khata” (only donkeys don’t eat mangoes).

I am a visionary

Question in Financial Reporting Midterm Exam (this exam doesn’t count when they grade you at the end of the year, so obviously I never study for it): Do you think a single set of Financial Reporting standards can be designed that will be reasonably adequate for all major users of their needs?

Answer: Someday, InshaAllah

P.s. There’s a huge traffic jam on my way home and its too dark to read so I’m bored and posting.

Reason#27 Why I miss my old job

I miss being allowed to wear whatever. Here, we have to dress in formal wear, and I don’t have any formal clothes. Well, I have a few now, but I’m getting tired of wearing the same two shirts or trying to hide my monkey tshirts under a jacket. And I don’t want to buy any more, because it will mean accepting defeat, and it will mean I’m okay with working here longer than my two shirts will last. Not.

And did you know, when you wear formal trousers, it actually shows when your fly is unzipped (is it called a fly for girls too?)? And thanks to my goldfish-equivalent memory, I keep checking to make sure I didn’t forget when I last used the toilet. Defeats the purpose of formalwear, I guess, because I once read its not very ladylike to keep glancing at your fly in a room full of ghair-mehrams*.

*i could be wrong though, I’m not exactly a scholar.

Reason#29 Why I miss my old job

I don’t get a chance to listen to new music anymore :( I hardly find time to listen to my favourites. At my old job, I would download whole albums that looked promising, play each track a few times, and then delete as appropriate. From the tracks I liked, I would send the best to my sisters, and a few other friends, with comments like ‘you don’t thank me enough’ or ‘if I dont get a reply to this email detailing how I am amazing, I am not sending you any more songs’. And I am accomodating when it comes to people with bad taste (not everyone can be perfect, you know), but once in a while I’d be annoyed at how someone would voice their distaste for my new favourite song, and from then on, they’d be off my list. Their loss.

Wally is a Genius