It said vessel, it must obviously have something to do with food

So in reply to my last post,

Usman: Whatever. Aisha aur Sobia ko chor ke aap ka blog parhta kaun hoga. Mein jo cheez hun woh sabko pata hai. Mere jaisa aaj tak koi paida nahi hua hai.
Humaira: Usman, an empty vessel makes much noise.
Usman: (pause) Aapko bhi mere pait se awaazein arahi hain?

I am the clear winner here

(I think this is my favourite post)

Scene 1
Abu: How much for this box of grapes?
(Crook) Fruit vendor: 25 Dirhams
Abu: Bah. I’ll give you 3 Dirhams.
(Crook) Fruit vendor: Go away, baba
Abu: How dare you?! We have ruled you for over 200 years! Shove it.

Scene 2
Mummy: How much for this box of grapes?
(Crook) Fruit vendor: 25 Dirhams
Mummy: Definitely not worth that much. I’ll give you 10 Dirhams.
(Crook) Fruit vendor: NO! That doesn’t even cover my cost.
(2 minutes later)
(Crook) Fruit vendor: Ok fine, 10 Dirhams.
Mummy: Definitely not worth that much. I’ll give you 8 Dirhams.
Humaira: Mummy, I thought you said Pathan ki ek zabaan OW!
(Crook) Fruit vendor: NO! That doesn’t even cover my cost.
(2 minutes later)
(Crook) Fruit vendor: Ok fine, 8 Dirhams.
Mummy: Definitely not worth that much. I’ll give you 5 Dirhams.
Humaira: Mummy, I thought you said Pathan ki ek zabaan OW!
(Crook) Fruit vendor: NO! That doesn’t even cover my cost.
(2 minutes later)
(Crook) Fruit vendor: Ok fine, 5 Dirhams.
Mummy: Definitely not worth that much, but I’ll take it.
(Crook) Fruit Vendor: Should I put it in a bag or a box?
Mummy: Actually, now that I think about it, I don’t really like grapes. Its fine, I don’t want it.

Scene 3
Humaira: How much for this box of grapes?
(Miskeen) Fruit vendor: 25 Dirhams
Humaira: I’ll give you 22 Dirhams.
(Miskeen) Fruit vendor: Sigh, that doesn’t even cover my cost. 24 Dirhams?
Humaira: How about we meet halfway? I’ll give you 23 Dirhams.
(Miskeen) Fruit vendor: Sigh, ok, but this is only for you because you have such a kind heart.
Humaira: Yay!

At home:
Humaira: Mummy I got the Grapes for only 23 Dirhams! Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow!

Puchki

There’s this guy on one of Mummy’s Indian tv shows who’s called something Indian, but because his wife calls him Puchki, that is how ma refers to him as well. So funny.

I don’t use pet names/nicknames much, and I don’t let others address me with the same. Not many, anyway. I guess its how we’ve seen Abu and Ma. They think using these names isn’t right because it ruins your real name. Although Abu still does have names for us. Like when Aisha was younger, he used to call her Chuchu. How cute is that :) Maybe I’ll start calling you that again Aichu. Wait, I just had a visual where I was pulling your cheeks and calling you Aichuchu, and it looked kind of awkward, what with me having the pull-worthy-cheeks and you being taller than me. I don’t see it working.

There were some girls in my class who tried a few names for me but they never stuck (mainly because of my frown). Farrah used to call me humumu (I know!), Shahi called me Huhu, and now Aliya and Porus call me humzy. Its kind of cute when they say it. And like someone said, sometimes it is nice when only one person calls you a name.

Anyhoo, so why I don’t use them is because I don’t mean them. The only ones I use are for my two younger siblings – Jaani/Hamzo (Hamza) and Rani/Rano (Fathima). These are the only two I feel comfortable with because I mean it with them. Hamza really is my jaan and I love him and Rani to bits. Calling anyone else would feel fake to me. And I might be a communist, I might be a pornstar, but I am not fake*

*Abu will disown me first for being a communist.

Pakistani Pakistani Bhai Bhai/Behen

Rani: Humaira aap blah blah

Humaira: Rani aapki umar kya hai?

Rani: I’ll be 12 in December

Humaira: And I’m 23. That makes me twice your age. You shouldn’t call me Humaira.

Rani: Humaira aap pe suit nahi karta. Like if I call you Humaira baji or Humaira api, it makes you sound so old.

Humaira: Oh ok. Phir choro

Because the age difference between the first three of us was small, we’ve always used each other’s names and not baji, etc. and then the younger ones have followed suit. Not just us in the immediate family, we’ve never called our cousins and others bhai or baji unless they were like >10 years older. In that case, they were boring anyway so we didn’t speak to them much.

I guess we’re v Non-Pakistani like that. All the Pakistani girls I know add a Bhai to the names of their brothers, cousins, classmates, tailors, random men on the street, etc. I know a girl who is married to her cousin, and she continued to call him Bhai for months after they were engaged, because she was so used to it.

Its not that I feel I’m too good to be their sibling – its just so obvious what I’m trying to imply. I remember at one of my jobs, I worked with a really nice guy who had to work with many teenage and not-so-teenage girls, and from the first encounter onwards, he would call everyone Beta (translates to son, but when used liek this, it means kid). It was so funny watching the poor 24 year old call girls much older than him Beta. And why did he do this? So they wouldn’t get the wrong idea when he was too nice to them or joked around.

So if I call someone Bhai, I feel like I’m implying ‘I’m too good for them and they therefore need to stay away’, and how rude is that! I could never do it. I don’t even feel comfortable when others call me Sister, etc. too, because its like they’re trying to make their intentions clear to me. I don’t need that. I feel like such a fake saying it. So many times, I try, but its like my lips just can’t form the word. God knows I could use it though, because honestly, I need to be in the Guinness Book of World Records for the number of car mechanics I’ve misled.

me: but it ll be fine

  like b’s facebook status says

  never loose hope

  tsk im so mean

  I’m definitely going to hell

Sobia: lolllllll

  i swear i bet its for u

  i will never loose hope

  i will get humaira one day

 me: i think so too

 Sobia: lolllllllll

 me: lolll

 Sobia: lollllllllllllllllllllll

 me: so the meanness is a family thing

  you changed u r status again

  you’re meaner than i am

 Sobia: so i can keep reading it

  forever

_

me: worse comes to worst

  theres always b

  and faraz

  and tanveer the recovery guy

  and the guy i sold my civic to

  and the guy i sold my accord to

  and the bengali

  so its not so bad after all

 Sobia: yes

  u choose fiorst

  ill go next

  ok?

  please let me have ur left overs

 me: lolll

 Sobia: loser

 me: loll

  they re na chandaan leftovers

 Sobia: ur probably the dream girl for these mechanics

  u bring them amazing business

 me: even the first choices are kind of like leftovers

 Sobia: and ur pretty

 me: loser

 Sobia: lollllllllllllllllllll

  do teer main ek nishana

  lolllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

  no need to work once they marry u

 me: fuck u sobia. And its ek teer mein do nishana

 Sobia: lollllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

  i cant stop laughinggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

  omg so funnyyyyyyyyyyyyy

 me: umm ok

  i dont really find it funny

 Sobia: no?

Flashback

Obviously not a flashback for me, I’m too young, but when we passed this plant on our way to Pakistan, Abu said this is where he had done his internship 50 million years ago. Nice.

My Cousin, The Big Fat Liar

Do not let her innocent eyes decieve you. When I first met her, I liked her a lot. She was cute and she helped me out a little with my bathroom ordeals. She did drive me a little mad though, constantly asking me to take pictures of her, but she’s hamzo’s age so I humoured her. Then one day, I was annoyed and I said no, and she said ‘Go mikhori’! Which is farsi for Eat shit! Obviously I didnt speak to her again.

When my parents went this time, she asked about me, and followed it by saying “Wheeee when Humaira was here, she drove me crazy with her camera. She wouldn’t stop taking pictures of me”. Obviously I’m going to kick her ass when I go next.

This is how they collect fruits from the trees, because obviously plucking is for sissies.

Hard Times

Pay off Dood ka Karz – Check!

I used to call my mommy everyday when I worked at Kitsch. There were days when I wouldn’t have time to talk much, but I made sure I took out two minutes from my time to say hi and ask her how her day was, even though I’ve always been crap at talking on the phone. She is my mother, after all.

I’ve called her only a handful of times since I’ve started working here. Not that I can’t take out two minutes from my day (where there is a will, there is a way), its just awkward to make racist jokes over the phone when so many Indians are sitting right next to me. And not being able to make racist jokes seriously limits my conversational skills.

I miss talking to her :( I wasn’t too busy at work today so what I did was walk out of the office, and call her. I asked her what she was up to and she said she was watching tv. I tried to make conversation for a few minutes, but she didn’t even reply to half my questions.

Seriously, if even my mother is bored of me, what hope do I have?