Favourite Mummy Quote

Humaira: Hi Rani
Rani: Hi Humaira
Humaira: Tell ma I’ll be late coming home
Rani: Ok
Humaira: I’ve been at the same traffic light for over an hour now
Rani: Mummy is like “Ay hay”.

Two good weekends in a row

So last weekend Friday – Many years ago, I read somewhere that if you memorised the 99 names of Allah t, you would be guaranteed a spot in heaven*. I’m a sucker for things like this, or maybe it was just my guilty conscience, but I started reading the names every day, and I had them by heart in a few weeks. I forget easily, so what I’ve done is I’ve downloaded the names and I listen to them whenever I’m driving. We were driving to the market Friday, and I was reading along to the track (is it ok to call it that?). A couple of seconds later, I noticed that both Hamzo and Rani were reciting the names with me. They did get a few wrong and had to replace a few of the names with aaaaaa to keep up with the track, but they had actually learnt all the names only by listening to it with me in the car. IMMD :)

Saturday – My grandmother used to say that you should always ask Allah t for everything you need and want – everything He feels suitable, He’ll give you, and the rest of your duas never go to waste – you are rewarded for them at the end, simply for using your right to ask Allah t. I’m crap with this though, because I can never think of anything I want or need. Anyway, so I went Thursday to look at a new iPod, but they didn’t have the colour I liked, so I came back empty handed. I was clearing my bag and I saw my old iPod. I thought I should store it away, but then it occurred to me that I had never prayed that it start working (I had tried to resuscitate it several times a few days ago) . So I said a few ‘please please’s to Allah and connected it again – and guess what? Yeha!

This weekend I went to see the match Friday. One word – Wow. Oh and 4 more words – I love Shoaib Malik. I cheered him like no one could have cheered him before. And guess where they made him field? Right in front of our seats! I saw him take all those catches! Seriously, we’re meant to be. I was planning on makign a poster that said ‘Shoaib Malik, Please marry me’, but then I thought what if he saw it. Too embarassing. And funniest quote of the day:

Aisha: Maliiiiiiiiiiiiikkkkkk

Humaira: Aisha!

Aisha: Sorry. Shoaiiiiiiiiiibbbbbbb

Humaira: Aisha!

Aisha: Sorry. Shoaib Bhaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiii

And yesterday, I bought myself a portable dvd player, so I’m going to be able to watch a lot more films now. Its too dark outside for me to be able to read on my way home now on the bus, so I’m going to watch films instead. This will also probably mean I’m not going to write as much on my blog, but seeing as no one even gets my jokes, I don’t see that being a problem. Oh and I also got The Cake Bible. Fascinating, is the right word I think. Maybe I should make cakes for a living. I see retirement fast approaching, yay.

* I’m sure there is a ‘Terms & Conditions apply’ to that – like never lying or not talking about ghair-mehrams all the time. Aw man.

I am the clear winner here

(I think this is my favourite post)

Scene 1
Abu: How much for this box of grapes?
(Crook) Fruit vendor: 25 Dirhams
Abu: Bah. I’ll give you 3 Dirhams.
(Crook) Fruit vendor: Go away, baba
Abu: How dare you?! We have ruled you for over 200 years! Shove it.

Scene 2
Mummy: How much for this box of grapes?
(Crook) Fruit vendor: 25 Dirhams
Mummy: Definitely not worth that much. I’ll give you 10 Dirhams.
(Crook) Fruit vendor: NO! That doesn’t even cover my cost.
(2 minutes later)
(Crook) Fruit vendor: Ok fine, 10 Dirhams.
Mummy: Definitely not worth that much. I’ll give you 8 Dirhams.
Humaira: Mummy, I thought you said Pathan ki ek zabaan OW!
(Crook) Fruit vendor: NO! That doesn’t even cover my cost.
(2 minutes later)
(Crook) Fruit vendor: Ok fine, 8 Dirhams.
Mummy: Definitely not worth that much. I’ll give you 5 Dirhams.
Humaira: Mummy, I thought you said Pathan ki ek zabaan OW!
(Crook) Fruit vendor: NO! That doesn’t even cover my cost.
(2 minutes later)
(Crook) Fruit vendor: Ok fine, 5 Dirhams.
Mummy: Definitely not worth that much, but I’ll take it.
(Crook) Fruit Vendor: Should I put it in a bag or a box?
Mummy: Actually, now that I think about it, I don’t really like grapes. Its fine, I don’t want it.

Scene 3
Humaira: How much for this box of grapes?
(Miskeen) Fruit vendor: 25 Dirhams
Humaira: I’ll give you 22 Dirhams.
(Miskeen) Fruit vendor: Sigh, that doesn’t even cover my cost. 24 Dirhams?
Humaira: How about we meet halfway? I’ll give you 23 Dirhams.
(Miskeen) Fruit vendor: Sigh, ok, but this is only for you because you have such a kind heart.
Humaira: Yay!

At home:
Humaira: Mummy I got the Grapes for only 23 Dirhams! Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow!

My Brother, The Geography Whiz

Usman: Even if Abu has disowned me, atleast I can still prove in Court that I’m his son by blood. Humaira toh Mummy ko Pakistan aur Philippines ke border se mili thi.

One of my favourite quotes

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel anyway

I repeat,

I added this last year, and I saw it again now and it was kind of funny, so here you go:

14th August was the Pakistani Independence day, and 19th August was the Afghan Independence day. If you’re thinking independence from who, then haha very funny. We got independence from England on 19/08/1919, which btw is eons before any of you guys got it hmph. This day was even more eventless than 14th August. My 10 yr old sister Rani got cussed at by Abu the same day and when she saw my updated facebook status, this is what she said

Q. Whats in a name?

A. A lot

I’ve seen time and again how much influence a persons name has – on their personality, on their looks and on their attitude. For example:

Humaira: reddish, one who strives to achieve her best

My colleague said the part about achieving my best is accurate, because whenever I have more work than she thinks I can handle, she does some of it, and in the end, instead of checking it all and correcting the million mistakes, I redo the whole thing. The first meaning is true though – Muhammad pbuh used to call Aisha ra humaira with affection, because she was extremely shy and would blush and turn red whenever he spoke with her. I’m shy too and blush v easily.

Another example – Sobia. Its a derivative of Sabiha, which means dawn. No prizes for guessing what time my party-animal-sister started waking up 4 months before her exams started, to study – 4am!!

Let’s take Aisha – the website says it was the name of the Prophet pbuh’s wife. No other meaning. The same way, my sister aisha’s life too has no meaning. She’s just, there.

Fathima – she was supposed to be a very obedient daughter. We’re hoping that with time, this will be the case with Rani as well.

Besmellah – my father spends every waking moment praying or reading the Quran pak. 

Sonia – my colleague’s name. I didn’t even know this was a muslim name until I met her. The name means pretty, and she’s probably the most beautiful woman I know. 

And a lot more. My mother says that one of the duties of a parent is to make sure they give their kids good names. This is obviously too much for some people to understand. We were watching Aalim Online (Mummy is a die-hard fan of Amir Fake Liaquat, I don’t know why) and this guy called to share his problem and ask the ulama their opinion on the issue. This is how the conversation started:

Caller: Assalamualaikum

Amir Liaquat: Waalaikumassalam, Kaun sahab baat kar rahe hain?

C: Ji mein Sonia bol raha hun.

AL: Sonia bol rahe hain?

C: Ji.

AL: Sonia bol rahe hain?

C: Ji.

AL: Umm acha aap apna sawal batayen. 

C: Mere abu ko beti ka bohut shauq tha, lekin mein larka paida ho gaya, toh unhon ne mera naam Sonia rakh diya. Ab mein college jata hun (he actually made it that far!!) toh sab mujhe cherte hain aur mera mazak urate hain, lekin mere abu mujhe naam badalne ki ijazat nahi dete. Mein kya karsakta hun?

I swear we couldnt stop laughing. How cruel of the father! And the poor boy still wanted to know from the ulama if it was ok for him to take his own decisions at college-going age. 

There are some names that make you think what the parents were thinking – for example Sumara – the word meaning is Entertainer. Sure gives an insight into the bright future in store for the girl.

And what about parents who name their kids after a theme? Some of the themes atleast make sense – like my mother says its good (not sure if she means in an islamic way) to have an R in your name. One of my mother’s brothers made sure all his kids have an R in their names. Btw I’m the only one in my family that has an R in her name, and this has been a source of lifelong jealousy for Sobia. Coming back to the ridiculous names and more ridiculous themes, one whole set of my cousins have their names starting with an S. Umm why? 

And then there is the most ridiculous theme of them all – rhyming names. I think all parents who do this should have their kids taken away. And I think the main culprits in this case are Pakistanis. What is it with wanting all your children to sound the same? Do you have any idea how long it would take to get any of them to come to the kitchen when you call to them? We don’t sound similar at all, except maybe the aaaaaaa at the end, and it still takes my mother ages.

Classic example – We used to live with a Punjawbi family in Madina Badr, and they named their first daughter Sumeira. When it was time to name ther second bundle of joy, there was no hesitation (or thought) and she was immediately named Humaira. I’m not so sure about them, but this almost scarred me for life. Their mother used to address them as humaainra sumaainra (remember I said Punjawbi?) and Usman has spent a big chunk of his life perfecting her accent, to address me in the same manner. Seriously its a surprise I haven’t gouged his eyes out yet.

Moral of the story – Name your daughters Humaira. I promise I’ll be your best friend.

Overheard by me

Whenever I am in class, if a teacher or one of my classmates says something that makes me smile/laugh, I usually write it down in my notes or my textbook, so it makes me smile again when I start studying one/two days before the exam. Because we had such losers for teachers this whole year, I recently found a LOT of such quotes in my notes. 

There are those quotes, and then I have some new ones from my siblings, so I thought instead of making a million different posts, I’m just going to start a new page soon – Overheard by me. Very original name, I know. There will still be some quotes that have a story with them – but for the most part, I’m going to try and group them all on this page – the new ones and the old.

True Love Will ALWAYS Return to YOU!

Those of you who know me are probably wondering how I’ve suddenly become so cheap. Well, I’m very proud to say that I’ve always been cheap – only not the kind of cheap who use phrases like the one in my post title. Ok so the phrase goes like this – If you love someone set them free. If they come back, they’re yours; if they don’t, they never were. Now I’m sure every one of you has read this astonishingly enlightening piece of advice – most of us have probably read it as a forwarded email from a friend (or ten!) who feels like sharing not only these gems disguised as words, but also a million email addresses, because of course its fun to have to scroll down a mile long list of names before you can actually get to the subject (the invaluable gems, remember?) of the email.

Well, one of my 11 year old sister Rani’s friends forwarded this to her last week, and because I’ve told her off for sending me every single pointless email she gets, she thought she would share it with us face to face. This is what happened:

Rani: I got an ammazing email today from my friend. I don’t remember the whole thing, but it went something like this: if you love somebody, set them free. Maybe they’ll come back or something
Aisha and me: How cheap can you get rani? You’re 11 you shouldn’t be talking about lurve.
Rani: Its not cheap ok! Because its not about love, I think they were talking about a bird.

Dibba Trip

I’m still not sure if we were in Oman or not – our phone networks said we were, and we did pass some sort of a border where they checked our stack of green and blue passports, but the policemen at the check point seemed too short to be able to do anything umm..policeman-y. Anyhoo we had a lot of fun. I’m too bored to go into details, but this is some stuff I remember.

 

Quote: Hamzo, on Rani asking if the camels would be hurt if we hit them with my car: ‘Rani, aise nai bolo, woh bhi humari tarah…jaanwar hain’

Being tan is cute for only five minutes. I’d like to go back to looking like humaira again please. Oh and I finally have pictures of me where I don’t look constipated.

This is where we stayed.

The ‘captain’ of the ship was wearing sunglasses, but it was extremely obvious he was staring right at all of us. Ma called Usman a beghairat and asked him why he wasn’t doing anything about him ogling his 4 sisters and mother

Usman: Khair hai mummy dekhne dein unka bhi toh dil hai

I’m in love with my car now. So loyal! Even with all the weight we put on it (literally)!

This is the Russian woman who really wanted her picture taken

And I’ve now realised everything in life is overrated (more details, when I care). May I please ask everyone to bring down their expectations?

I’m still not sure if we were in Oman or not – our phone networks said we were, and we did pass some sort of a border where they checked our stack of green and blue passports, but the policemen at the check point seemed too short to be able to do anything umm… policeman-y. Anyhoo we had a lot of fun. I’m too bored to go into details (I’m lying), but this is some stuff I remember.

Quote: Hamzo, on Rani asking if the camels would be hurt if we hit them with my car: ‘Rani, aise nai bolo, woh bhi humari tarah… jaanwar hain’

Remember I said I learnt how to swim two summers ago? Yeah I forgot. Actually I didnt forget completely. Remember in school they taught us the difference between displacement and motion? Well I can float around for a while, only no matter how much I tried (=motion), I wasn’t able to get anywhere (= no displacement).

Being tan is cute for only five minutes. I’d like to go back to looking like humaira again please. Oh and I finally have pictures of me where I don’t look constipated.

This is where we stayed.

The amount of food all of us can eat is ridiculous. Seriously if all the food I ate showed, I could give Tuntun a run for her money (Usman already does).

When we were leaving for the cruise, I hit my head on the boot of my car. So funny it was like a scene straight from a Charlie Chaplin movie – I walked right into the open boot! For a while I felt like I was going to die, but I guess I didn’t. My forehead bled a little and at work, I’ve been acting like its a war injury. I promise I didn’t lie – I just didn’t correct them.

The best part of the trip was when we got a ride in the speedboat. Now I want to go Jet skiing. Oh and mummy nearly got a heart attack when she saw me like this. She’s such a wuss.

Quote: The ‘captain’ of the ship was wearing sunglasses, but it was extremely obvious he was staring right at all of us. Ma called Usman a beghairat and asked him why he wasn’t doing anything about him ogling his 4 sisters and mother – Usman: Khair hai mummy dekhne dein unka bhi toh dil hai

I’m in love with my car now. So loyal! Even with all the weight we put on it (literally)!

This is the Russian woman who really wanted her picture taken:

And I’ve now realised everything in life is overrated (more details, when I care). May I please ask everyone to bring down their expectations?