Reason#1 Why I miss my old job

I don’t feel smart anymore :( I don’t think I’m learning anything new. I do the same thing day after day after day. At my old job, I was responsible for something I enjoyed and I felt ownership of the work. I believed my manager when she said that I’d grow with the company; it feels like a lie here. I don’t see it happening. And honest to God, I’m not saying this because it seems like I had a lot of time to myself there. I used to work pretty hard there too.

Do I even want to grow professionally? Do I care?

Usually when someone asks me what I plan on doing after I finish school next year, I snigger and say I’m definitely not thinking of a Masters any time this lifetime. But the thought of not having something to look forward to scares me. Like now, I know coming next are our midterm exams and then there’s some time off, then the Study Weekend that may or may not happen, and then there are our finals in May/June 2010. What next? I usually don’t mind having 4 months off for the summer, because I know there’s something coming next; I won’t be able to stand being home for so long if there’s no light at the end of the tunnel.

I don’t dread growing older because I’m worried about wrinkles; my only concern is how dumb I feel, even at 23. There’s so much I want to learn and so much I want to do but I never have the time now. Maybe I can start when I finish? Maybe I should think about that Masters? And maybe if this time, I start studying something that interests me, it won’t be such a pain?

Khair even now, I don’t enjoy my subjects, but I manage to keep up in class. This annoying guy teases me all day long for knowing all the answers (he’s lying). And I actually enjoyed Microeconomics this week. Well, apart from the hour I was depressed. We were speaking to our Professor during break, and he told us that he had a Bachelor in Economics, and he had followed it with a Masters from Chicago, and then M. Phil. and a PhD from Quaid-e-Azam University. I felt a rush of pride because he’s a Pakistani, and then I felt so sad because my family will never feel as proud of me. The degree we get now is ok, and someone said it’s definitely of a higher standard than a regular Bachelors degree, but does it matter when I don’t even want to work in either Finance or Accounts?

I checked the time at some point yesterday and I remember wishing for a 100 minutes in an hour instead of 60. I could definitely use the extra time. I would have more time to read and watch and learn and talk and time for myself. There are so many instances when I just want to walk by the beach or sit and watch the moon or the water, but I don’t have the time. Oh, and just so you know, I choose the most inappropriate times to go to the beach, so if I ever stop posting here without warning, rest assured I have been kidnapped.

Another reason I used to feel smart at my old job was because of all the praise I used to get. I’m not saying I need the constant reminders to how amazing I am (I know), but being told I had done well always brightened my day. It was funny though when I first joined, because they praised EVERY single thing I did, and I would think huh?  All day long! It didn’t take much to get used to it though. And it wasn’t even like I was doing something mind boggling – for example I’d pick a pencil off the floor, and the next thing you know, there’d be a post on the company blog detailing how I had picked the pencil like no pencil had been picked before.

Reason#27 Why I miss my old job

I miss being allowed to wear whatever. Here, we have to dress in formal wear, and I don’t have any formal clothes. Well, I have a few now, but I’m getting tired of wearing the same two shirts or trying to hide my monkey tshirts under a jacket. And I don’t want to buy any more, because it will mean accepting defeat, and it will mean I’m okay with working here longer than my two shirts will last. Not.

And did you know, when you wear formal trousers, it actually shows when your fly is unzipped (is it called a fly for girls too?)? And thanks to my goldfish-equivalent memory, I keep checking to make sure I didn’t forget when I last used the toilet. Defeats the purpose of formalwear, I guess, because I once read its not very ladylike to keep glancing at your fly in a room full of ghair-mehrams*.

*i could be wrong though, I’m not exactly a scholar.

Reason#29 Why I miss my old job

I don’t get a chance to listen to new music anymore :( I hardly find time to listen to my favourites. At my old job, I would download whole albums that looked promising, play each track a few times, and then delete as appropriate. From the tracks I liked, I would send the best to my sisters, and a few other friends, with comments like ‘you don’t thank me enough’ or ‘if I dont get a reply to this email detailing how I am amazing, I am not sending you any more songs’. And I am accomodating when it comes to people with bad taste (not everyone can be perfect, you know), but once in a while I’d be annoyed at how someone would voice their distaste for my new favourite song, and from then on, they’d be off my list. Their loss.

Reason#598trillion Why I miss my old job.

I’m going to an event from work tonight, and I was trying to make sure I would have someone to hang out with. Because Mikey never ever wears anythign but a tshirt and jeans, I decided to give him Fashion advice. Yes, I did Sobia.

From: humaira gulzad <humaira.gulzad@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Aug 13, 2009 at 7:53 AM
Subject: Tonight
To: Mikey, Saadia Zahid

Hey are you guys coming to the fashion show tonight? Please come! I’ve been told to play host, so a note to mikey please dress up like a socialite so I can hang out with you guys.

From: saadia
Date: Thu, Aug 13, 2009 at 8:12 AM

Ofcourse I’m coming. Can’t wait to see you my little one

From: Mike Ross
Date: Thu, Aug 13, 2009 at 11:02 AM

I would love to come, but I’m going to be playing at the Beer Fest from 2pm today which means I’m going to be drunk and embarrassing by about 3.15.

still want me to come?

:-)

From: humaira gulzad <humaira.gulzad@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Aug 13, 2009 at 11:04 AM

D’uh. Just dress like a socialite please that is crucial

From: Mike Ross
Date: Thu, Aug 13, 2009 at 11:46 AM

what does a socialite look like?

here are some options for my look tonight:

From: humaira gulzad <humaira.gulzad@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Aug 13, 2009 at 11:52 AM

I like option 2 – I can hang out with you all night and no one will ever know you’re not a potential customer/billionaire. Im actually excited about tonight now!

From: saadia zahid
Date: Thu, Aug 13, 2009 at 3:32 PM

yay i can’t wait. humaira – make sure i don’t embarrass you with any weird behavior – you know what i turn into when i have to be on my best behavior

From: humaira gulzad <humaira.gulzad@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Aug 13, 2009 at 3:40 PM

I miss you guys so much :( I wish I was rich and irresponsible I’d quit my job and just hang out with you guys all day

From: saadia zahid
Date: Thu, Aug 13, 2009 at 3:42 PM

inshallah you will be rich and support us too and then we can hang out all the time. i will try and find a rich husband to support all of us. lets all focus on this thought. 

From: humaira gulzad <humaira.gulzad@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Aug 13, 2009 at 4:04 PM

you’re the only one of the three of us who has a chance! sorry mikey, but its the truth

Disclaimer: Boring Post Ahead

Today was possibly the worst day I’ve had at work ever. I think I’m going to start looking for another job. Fat chance, I know. I just don’t want to risk my job getting so bad that I walk out and then being left with no job at all.

I feel like such a loser. Am I leaving because its hard work? I don’t think so – I used to work much much harder at my last job. I would voluntarily work extra hours and weekends, and never take time off. I remember dreading having more than two days off work in a week. Is it because I’m carrying baggage? I don’t think so. I was at first, but ever since Saadia asked me to give it a try, I’ve been trying hard. And doing much better.

Let me start at the beginning – My last workplace closed in January this year, and the first offer I got was from this Photography Gallery at DIFC. I was excited at first, but then for some reason, I didn’t want to do it at all. I remember knowing that the right thing was to take the job, atleast for the timebeing, but I didn’t want to. I was so miserable, until my family told me to forget about it. I started looking again, and one of my ex-colleagues set me up for an interview with this huge group. Alhamdulillah, as usual I did well, and got the job, although as usual, I got the where-do-you-want-to-be-in-5-yrs? question wrong. Anyway I got an offer, and accepted. I didn’t like it much at first – as usual I was extremely uncomfortable. Then I started hating it. Everyone told me this was a golden opportunity for me since I was working directly under the owner’s daughter. If I worked hard, I would get noticed, and since its such a large group, the only place I could go from there on was up. But I didn’t like it. I was a little nervous at first, and because I made one mistake and got told off, I kept making mistakes. I lost all confidence in myself. At my last workplace, if there was ever a discrepancy, I would tell them to make sure they had checked properly from their side, since it was next to impossible that I had made a mistake. I’m not sure if I was over-confident – I just used to work extremely hard, and trusted the work I did. And Alhamdulillah, the discrepancies always turned out to be the other person’s mistakes. Now, even if I was sure about what I had done, I started doubting myself. I was constantly owning up to mistakes that I hadn’t even made.

One day, I thought hard about what I had become and how miserable I was, and decided to leave. I spoke to Saadia, my manager from my last company, and she asked me to give it one last try. Because I didn’t care about losing my job anymore, I managed to get my confidence back. I started doing better at this job too. I even got a ‘Meets Job Requirements’ at my 3 month review, which coming from an Indian manager, equates to brilliant.

I also spoke to my manager, and told her I couldn’t bring myself to work harder because I didn’t feel ownership here. I didn’t feel the work was my own, and all I did was countdown to 6pm, and then the weekend, and then the end of the month, while making sure I kept up with everything I was asked to do – nothing less, nothing more. I later realised this wasn’t a very smart thing to say to the person who had hired me, but when have I been one to care? She told me even though she owned the company, she had started at the bottom, and this was the reason she had learnt so much – she had experienced everything firsthand.

At the expense of sounding stuck up, I’ll admit what the problem is. I feel I’m too smart for the work I’m doing now. I’m an assistant, and I’m not even doing half of what I used to do at my last job. I feel I’ve come to a dead end. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. People keep telling me I’m going to go places, because I’m hard working, but I don’t even know yet where I want to go. I’m getting my degree in Finance and Accounting, not out of interest though – only because it sounded less boring than Economics and Management. But do I want to work as an Accountant or in Finance? I don’t know. Our Finance Manager had a look at what level we were at from my textbooks, and was so impressed, he asked me if I wanted to move internally to work under him. I still haven’t replied to him. All the accountants I know are about as much fun to be around as it is to be around a camel. And I hate monotony, so I don’t really think I’m accountant material. But its the only job where I feel I can grow. The right move would be to start working under him now, and then by the time I get my degree next year, I’ll have some experience under my belt. But is it for me? And if not an accountant, do I want to continue doing want I’m doing now? Most definitely not. In this field, everytime I switch jobs, I have to start from rock bottom, and I feel I’m too old for that now.

Actually let’s come to the most basic question – do I want to do anything with my life? Do I really want to have a career? I don’t mind hard work, but I feel that if I’m going to end up staying at home, why bother now? Earlier when my sister used to say she didn’t plan on working 5 years from then, I used to scoff at her. I could never imagine not working – first because can you imagine how boring life would be and second, because I’m so used to being independent. I might not make a truckload of money, even though I’ve been working full time since 2004, but I don’t care as long as I get by. All my friends are making more than me, but its because I chose not to work in a bank that deals with interest. I got a better offer from the events division of my last company, but I declined because I didn’t want a job that dealt first hand with alcohol. As long as I make enough to pay my fees and petrol, I’m happy. One of my friends was telling her husband what she thought was right, and he told her off and said he could and would do what he wanted because it was his money :( I would never be able to bear that. She spends the whole day taking care of their three kids, and this is what she gets? So not fair. But now I understand where my sister was coming from. The thought of not having to work sounds extremely attractive to me right now. We had an extra day off this weekend for Isra wal Meraj, and I was ecstatic. That is how much I dislike work. I can’t wait for my probation period to end, because then I’m planning on going to a doctor and faking disease/death so I can get a sick leave certificate. Preferably once every two weeks.

Sometimes I think I should just walk out. What matters at the end of the day is that I’m happy, and if I don’t do this for myself, who will? Worse comes to worst, I’m sure I can ask abu to help me with fees. But do I want that? I don’t think so. Then I think maybe this unhappiness is self-created. Most of the people I work with are extremely nice, and there’s no chance work won’t get better with time. But do I want to give it time?

I don’t know what to do.

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We were planning on making an office trip